Social Development: Sibling Relationships

For many children, the first social relationship they develop is with a brother or sister.  The sibling relationship is likely to last longer than any other relationship in one’s lifetime and plays an integral part in the lives of families.  Siblings have a tremendous positive impact upon each other’s development of socialization.  Characteristically, unlike many tentative peer relationships, sibling interactions are emotionally charged relationships defined by strong, uninhibited emotions (of a positive, negative and sometimes ambivalent quality), and intimacy.  As youngsters spend large amounts of time playing together, they know each other very well.  This long history and intimate knowledge translates into opportunities for providing emotional and instrumental support for one another: engaging in play, conflict, problem solving, sharing of ideas, and understanding others’ points of view. In addition, the age difference between siblings often makes the issues of power, control and rivalry a source of contention for children (Sibling Relations and Their Impact on Children’s Development, Howe and Recchia, 2006).

With the nature of the intimate, emotionally charged, and often conflicting relationship between siblings, parenting both children can be wrought with challenges.  Siblings of different ages and personalities may not understand when they are treated differently.  They engage more often with each other and so may enter into more conflicts.  Lacking conflict resolution skills, these conflicts may end in hurt feelings, hitting, and overall frustration.  At other times, siblings may show each other deep affection, collaboration, and support.  All of these behaviors are very normal and typical to the sibling relationship; a relationship that is in many ways personal to the children.

Sibling conflict or "rivalry" refers to antagonism or hostility between brothers and/or
Sisters, and can appear as arguments, fights, whining, nagging, etc. The root of sibling rivalry can sometimes be competition for parental time, attention, love and approval.   Other times conflict arises because young children are still developing conflict resolution, socialization skills, and language, and have not yet learned how to put these things to work for solving problems.  Helping support sibling relationships is as much about making sure to give both children equal love and attention as it is about helping children recognize, understand, and navigate their differences.

Ways to support your children’s developing sibling relationships:

Utilize all the methods for supporting peer relationships.  At it’s root, a sibling relationship is a peer relationship, just with an extra dynamic.  Find ways to encourage play through activities that involve teamwork and sharing of ideas.  Listen to your children’s frustrations and empathize.

Model Grace and Courtesy.  Give children lessons on how to interact in the home and solve problems.  Remember that how parents treat each other and other family members is modeling for how the children treat each other.

Recognize your own sibling dynamics and the impact on you.  Your role in your own family will impact how you approach your children’s relationship.  If you are first born, second born, etc, it is important to recognize how that experience impacted you.  Exploring your own issues growing up with siblings can help you better understand how and why you are making parenting decisions (for example, are you being harder on your first born because your parents were harder on you as a first born, or are you upset with your first born for hurting your second born because you remember that experience as a second born, or are you an only child who does not understand these relationships because you did not experience them?)

Give children your individual time.  Every child needs special time one on one with each parent and individually with both parents.  Design special “dates” that allow you to spend time with just one child, giving each child a turn.

Remember that fairness and equality are not the same thing.  One of the hardest things for siblings is when they are not treated the same.  Why are the rules for one not the same as the rules for the other?  As adults, we understand that children of different ages and temperaments have different developmental abilities and we cannot always have the same expectations.  Siblings, on the other hand, see themselves as peers and do not properly perceive these differences.  Rather than focus on “equality,” help children understand and accept each other’s differences by talking about them, and explain that decisions are made based on “fairness,” making sure everyone gets what they need when they need it.

Avoid placing parental responsibility on siblings.  It is not uncommon for parents to expect the older child to take care of or watch the younger child.  This, however, can cause some problems in the sibling dynamic by giving one child a dominant role and the other child a submissive role.  Instead, support and encourage your children to look out for each other, rather than placing the responsibility on one child’s shoulders.  Young children, even though older than their sibling, are not yet ready to handle parenting responsibilities.  It can also confuse them and make them “police” their sibling rather than play with their sibling (developing conflict rather than sharing and understanding).