Both peer and sibling relationships can be fraught with situations of conflict. As stated earlier, this is usually a result of emerging and developing skills of conflict resolution, socialization, and language expression, which children have not yet learned how to use when solving problems. Dealing with aggression, hitting, arguing, yelling, and general frustration is as much about modeling appropriate behavior as it is about giving children conflict resolution skills. When we help children learn how to deal with their frustrations and conflicts appropriately, we can see a reduction in instances that end in violence or anger, and an increase in instances that end in sharing or understanding. When a situation ends in inappropriate actions, it’s best to think about how this could have been resolved differently and guide children through that process. Hitting, especially, is most often about not knowing how to handle a conflict and reaching a sense of ultimate frustration, and usually not a child trying to actively hurt another child.
Ways to support your children’s developing conflict resolution skills:
The Peace Rose. Preparing the environment to handle conflicts is the best way to support resolution skills. Have a place where conflict resolution can occur. When children become used to finding a place at home, they may learn to create a place outside a home (like a park bench at the playground). The “Peace Rose” is a rose set in a vase on a table where children can go to sit and resolve conflicts. The children take turns discussing what happened by passing the rose back and forth. Often, they work things out easily once they can express what they are thinking. The Peace Rose can be any object you choose in the home, but it should facilitate children taking turns to talk. Using a silk rose and reading The Peace Rose (a book you can find at www.montessoriservices.com), can be a good way to implement this practice. Demonstrate to your children where the peace object is and how to use it, and let them implement it when they need to. Direct them to the peace object when they are fighting.
Give children language. When you talk with children about a conflict, discuss what they could have said, what they felt, and give them exact language for the next time this conflict occurs. Children may need to learn to tell someone to “stop” (young children who hit often don’t know how to verbal stop another child’s actions). Other children may also need to learn to stop when asked by another child (emphasizing that you have to listen to someone’s words).
Do not assign blame or punishment. Conflict resolution is about just that: resolving. It’s not about who was wrong or who was right. It’s about helping children resolve their differences in the hopes that they will not need you to help them do it in the future. Avoid accusatory language like “what did you do?” and instead focusing on gathering facts by asking “what happened?” Ask “how did that make you feel?” or “how did that make your friend/brother/sister feel?”
Encourage reparations rather than forcing “sorry.” Sorry is a very big word for a child and when we only teach children to say it, it does not mean they learn to feel it. If one child has hurt another, ask how that child plans to make amends or what he can do to make the other child feel better. Have the other child say what will make him or her feel better. Then, the child must follow through on whatever that is: a kiss, a hug, an icepack, etc. Teach children “sorry” by modeling the use of the word rather than making them say it.
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