While parents often fear that a child's resistance to going to school is an indicator of a larger problem (which, occasionally, it can be), it's also important to remember that resistance to school, particularly at the preschool age, is actually developmentally appropriate. Some children have temperaments that make them more prone to anxiety and frustration when faced with challenges, while other children may handle these challenges more easily. School refusal is neither abnormal nor a behavioral problem, but rather a logical expression to the child for his frustrations. Children at this age are making transitions from dependence to independence, and those transitions can be easier some days than others. The desire to learn and interact with friends can conflict with the desire to be with one's parents and this struggle can frustrate young children. Sometimes children end up feeling overwhelmed by the things they tackle each day, just as adults do, but they lack the ability to properly communicate exactly what they are overwhelmed by. "I don't want to go to school," is a communication, but there may be many interpretations to this statement and truths behind it.
If your child is having a hard time going to school, here are some steps to follow and things to remember:
Make sure your child continues to go to school. If your child stops going to school, it will be that much harder for your child to start again. By continuing to ensure that your child attends school while you work out this problem together, you express confidence that school is a safe and positive place. Only if you suspect an actual illness should you consider keeping your child home.
Identify the problem, if there is one. In most cases, a child not wanting to go to school is not necessarily an indicator of a major problem, but it can be, so it is important to investigate a little. Lack of sleep or illness can often affect children, so it is important to look and see if either of these things are bothering your child. Still, some children may express symptoms of illness when it turns out they are actually feeling anxiety towards school. Those symptoms may be real to your child but not the result of an actual illness. If your child gets suddenly better when not at school, chances are it's not actual illness (this doesn't mean your child doesn't actually feel the symptoms; stress can cause headaches or stomachaches that alleviate when the stresser is gone). If you think something may be upsetting your child or your child is afraid of something, ask non-leading questions to discover the root of the frustration (putting words in your child's mouth like "are you bored?" or "do you not like your school?" will not get you to an honest answer). Questions like "if you could make school any way you wanted, what would it look like?" or "what would you to do make recess the best way it could be?"or "if you could change anything about school, what would you change?" can get you much more accurate and informative information.
Speak with Teachers. Your child's teachers observe and work with your child all day long. They can certainly help you with clues as to what might be affecting your child, and it's important for them to know how your child is feeling as well so that they may make any necessary changes. Collaboration between teachers and parents is often the best way to help a child begin to resolve a frustration or problem.
Encourage problem solving and conflict resolution skills. In the same way that children of preschool age have difficulty communicating with a limited vocabulary, they also have limited problem solving and conflict resolution skills. Children may come into conflict with a friend or be frustrated with a challenge and not know how to resolve it. Their solution may simply be to avoid it altogether, not knowing any other way to go about resolving the issue. If, through talking with your child, you discover an issue that needs to be tackled, help your child think of ways to tackle it and come up with solutions. Helping children learn to identify and solve their own problems (with guidance), rather than trying to solve the problems for them, gives them the skills to solve future problems and helps them approach challenges positively.
A FEW CASE EXAMPLES
Johnny, age 4, does not want to go to school this morning. He complains of a stomachache. He has complained of the same stomachache for the past two weeks and only on school mornings. His mother worries that he may have an illness and takes him to the pediatrician and watches him carefully, making sure he gets rest and fluids, but no illness appears and a pattern emerges that Johnny only feels sick on school mornings. Worried, Johnny's mother speaks with Johnny's teacher. Johnny's teacher observes that his behavior has not changed at school and he still enjoys playing with his friends and doing work. She and Johnny's mother begin to investigate by asking Johnny non-leading questions when he is at home or at school. Johnny's teacher observes that Johnny shows signs of anxiety she has not seen before during a classroom birthday when candles are lit. After some questions about the candles at home, Johnny shares with his mother that he is worried about the fire alarm and that the school will go up in flames. The first sounded fire drill had occurred a few weeks ago. He worries about the fire and the loudness of the alarm and he does not know when it will go off. Johnny's mother also begins to observe that Johnny is upset when the oven is on at home. Johnny's mother reports this to Johnny's teacher and, along with Johnny, they make a plan. Johnny's teacher promises to inform him before a practice drill and let him know if there will be one that day first thing in the morning so they can be prepared together. Johnny's mother places earmuffs in his backpack so if a fire drill is set for that day he can be prepared to wear them and muffle the sound. Johnny's teacher reads a book and talks with the class about fire safety and shows the children all the ways in which the classroom is safe and protected from fire. At home, Johnny's mother talks with Johnny and his family about fire safety, how their house is safe, and helps assuage his fears by showing him there are plans of action if something did happen but that it is unlikely to happen. After a week, Johnny stops complaining of a stomachache in the morning.
Martin, age 5, does not want to go to school anymore. He complains that he does not like school. After some non-leading questions, Martin's mother discovers that he does not like school because he has no friends. Martin's mother expresses concern to Martin's teacher that he's not developing friendships. Martin's teacher is surprised because Martin is one of the most popular kids in the classroom, and everyone wants to work with him, sit with him, and play with him. Martin's teacher begins to ask Martin more non-leading questions during the school day and discovers that Martin feels like he has no friends. Martin's teacher points out all of his friends to him and Martin expresses "yes, but they never want to play what I want to play, they don't do what I tell them." Martin's frustration lies in that he cannot navigate his social relationships in the way he wants, so he concludes that he has no friends. Martin's teacher shares this information with his mother and they both begin to discuss friendships with Martin and help him find ways to work with his friends while also understanding that just because friends differ in opinions does not mean they are not friends anymore. Shortly after, Martin no longer expresses a dislike for school.
Louis, age 5, does not want to go to school. He hasn't really wanted to go to school from the start; it is a new classroom to him as they had recently moved. His twin brother, on the other hand, loves school and they are in the same classroom. After a few months, Louis' mother becomes very concerned that she has made the wrong choice for Louis. She expresses these concerns to his teacher. At school, Louis' teacher has observed that he is fairly disconnected from the classroom. His temperament, much different to his brother's, is slow to warm and he seems very distant. Louis' teacher notices that he is very connected to the adults in his life and wonders if he needs a stronger adult connection at school. She and his other teachers embark on a mission to bond with Louis. Every attempt she makes, at helping him learn or engaging in play on the playground, does not make a difference. One day, not having tried this since she was worried he would not like it, she gives him a few gentle hugs. Miraculously, the next morning, his mother is astounded: "he wanted to come to school today!" It took some time, but Louis' teacher discovered that he needed affection from adults to feel connected even though he could not express that. Together, mom and teacher were able to solve Louis' frustration with careful observation and a little ingenuity.
Not all scenarios have an exact problem like the ones above, however. Sometimes children's frustrations are about friends or fears. Others may just be overwhelmed or at a place where they need to feel closer to parents or more dependent. In these cases, a parent's positivity, confidence, and support are essential.
Make sure your child is getting down time. All children, but especially young children, need time for their brains to rest. So many things are learned during the school hours that it is important for your child's brain to have that rest time after school. If your child is heavily scheduled and not getting that rest time, he may seek that rest during school hours.
Show an interest in school and learning. When parents express a genuine interest in what children are learning, children are more confident and excited about learning and school. This does not necessarily have to be specifically about what your child learned at school, any interest in their interests and a desire to continue learning together will best emphasize this. If they cannot share something they learned during the day, notice when they share or do something new they have learned and ask them to teach you about it. Approach problems together and work out ways to solve them. If your child shows an interest in the birds outside, find a book and learn the names together. If your child likes to build, build together and look at books to find different ways to build. If your child likes trains, learn the names of the parts of the train together. Showing your child that you enjoy learning and making attempts to learn with your child will help your child develop an appreciation for the activities of the school day.
Support and accept emotions. The hardest thing for a parent can be to see your child upset or unhappy. However, these are realities of life. All humans are faced with challenges that may frustrate or upset us, but it is our attitude and ability to overcome that creates a state of happiness. Allowing your child to express frustration, dislike, or fear, helps your child connect with and understand these emotions. From this understanding, that these are not bad or wrong emotions, your child can then move forward to focusing on ways to manage those emotions effectively and securely.
Let us wait, and be always ready to share in both the joys
and the difficulties which the child experiences.
- Dr. Maria Montessori
