Supporting Social Development in Primary Children

When we discuss the development of children, we must first look at the child’s plane of development. Dr. Montessori coined this phrase when she saw that children of particular ages shared certain focus, direction, and tendencies, emotionally, socially, intellectually and morally.  She observed three major shifts in children’s thinking as they aged and was able to identify three planes of development from birth to adolescence.

The First Plane of Development

Characteristically, children from birth to age six, roughly, fall into the first plane of development.  Considering that intelligence is what distinguishes the human species, the most important act of human development becomes the creation of intelligence and the creation of self.  In these first years, children develop their own unique intelligence and understanding of self.  Through an exchange between environment and a child’s tendencies, the child explores, learns to reason, learns to imagine, and learns to create.  Here, we find the formation of the personality.  The first six years of life are marked by tremendous physical and psychological growth, exploration and development. This is the period of infancy, an unconscious period of development.  Physically, the body develops from head to toe.  Children at this age are concrete thinkers.  Emotionally, he/she needs love and acceptance, respect and understanding, warmth and protection. The child also has a need for security, order, as much freedom and independence as he/she can handle, and social relationships.  At this point, children are laying the foundational blocks for later development.

Ages Three to Six Years (the conscious absorbent mind)

If children have learned to trust, by three years of age they will be able to confidently employ all their previously developed skills and move out into the world.  While children in the first stage of this plane learned unconsciously, absorbing everything around them, children now can direct their efforts more consciously.  Still, children have yet to develop a strong sense of will (the ability to control the body’s emotions and actions), so their conscious efforts may be more impulsive or emotional.

At this age, children now begin to need the social environment of other children, whereas previously they mostly need their primary caregivers.  However, during this stage, children tend to work side to side, rather than together.  Parallel play (playing alongside) may still be apparent at the beginning of this stage as children learn to navigate social interactions.  As children develop during this stage they begin to engage more directly with each other.  While children desire socialization, they still do not have the learned skills of managing socialization: conflict resolution, empathy and understanding, or general social propriety/graces.  These things continue to develop during this stage, and guidance from the adult is essential during this process.  

As children begin to develop empathy and the understanding of other children’s emotions, children begin to assist each other, share materials, and work together.  According to Montessori, society goes through an embryonic phase  (Montessori, Absorbent Mind, p. 232) in the period from three to six.  This can be observed in the children when “little by little, they become aware of forming a community, which behaves as such. They begin to feel a part of a group to which their activity contributes. They begin to take an interest in this community and work on it profoundly ” (Montessori, Discovery of the child, p.15).  Once they have reached this level, the children no longer act thoughtlessly but put the group first and try to succeed for its benefit.  Children during this stage are now able to understand differences between themselves and others, understanding that another child may need more assistance or is experiencing a different emotion.  Awareness of differences and the acceptance of them allows the child to develop a respect for all people, as well as themselves.

How to support the three to six year old’s social development:

Support and demonstrate conflict resolution.  Children at this age are just learning to understand how to solve problems, deal with emotions, and understand each other.  They may not yet have the language for talking things out or know how to make it happen.  Rather than solve the child’s problem, support the children’s ability to solve it.  Give them turns to speak, asking them specifically and non-judgmentally: “what happened?”  Give each child a turn to express what happened.  Ask: “how can we solve this?” or “how can we make this better?” and let the children offer up ideas.  In the Montessori classroom, we have a peace table where children can pass an object back and forth to signify their turn to talk and talk things out.  Children can often resolve a problem on their own when given the ability to have a back and forth discussion.

Model grace and courtesy.  Demonstrate the social courtesies of life, such as how to greet a person, how to say “please” and “thank you,” how to cover your mouth when you sneeze or blow your nose, how to shake hands, how to hand something to someone safely, how to interrupt when necessary, etc.

Support empathy by talking about the emotions of your child, self, and others.  Talk about what people are feeling and ways to make them feel better.

Do not force children to say “sorry.”  Instead, emphasize how they have made a person feel and ask them to think of ways to make reparations for their actions.  Model the word “sorry” by using it yourself when you are making a reparations, and talk about what you mean when you say the word sorry (“I feel badly and want to make it better”).

Give children language for dealing with the problem, should it arise again (“if David takes your toy, tell him “no!”).

Stay out of conflicts if they are resolving without violence.  Sometimes children can navigate social conflicts and need to be left alone to do so.  Take a step back and see if they are working it out or moving on from it before deciding if you need to intervene.

Direct children to find you if they cannot solve the problem on their own.