Reality Vs Fantasy: Encouraging Real Experiences During The Holiday Season

As the holiday season arrives, the world around us becomes increasingly immersed in a world of fantasy.  Halloween brings scary images to grocery stores, Thanksgiving brings talking and walking turkeys, and the Christmas holiday brings Santa Claus imagery in abundance.  Whether or not a family takes part in these holidays, the imagery is there in the world around us; it cannot be escaped completely.  Even beyond the season, fantastical imagery is everywhere in many children's experiences: movies, books, stories from adults, etc.

Dr. Montessori spoke about fantasy quite frequently.  She was a champion of the imagination and creativity, and much of the freedom in the classroom is designed to support that development.  But, she was concerned that adults misunderstand how children develop imagination.  She found that a child's ability to create and explore was best enhanced by realistic experiences in the world.  Only after the child understands what is real, can he imagine further possibilities.  She argued that giving children fantasy does not create imagination, but rather directs it according to the adult's ideas.  It does not stem from the child's creativity, but rather, the already existing cultural influence.

The child's mind does not distinguish real from unreal as easily as the adult's mind does.  This does not mean that, at the preschool age, children cannot do it, but rather that they are not always certain about which category (real or unreal) something falls into when first introduced (at the toddler age, however, the ability to make such a distinction is only just starting and not well developed at all).  If something unreal is treated real by adults, children have an even harder time making the appropriate conclusions and will most often go with what the adults says until they reach the second plane of development (around age 6) and begin to question things from a different perspective.  Many children realize early on that talking animals are unreal, if they have been exposed to a number of real animals to see that they don't talk.  Without the exposure to the real, however, it is difficult to make this distinction.

How can we, as parents and educators, encourage children to make appropriate distinctions between what is real and what is not?  This notion is important when children's minds become so inundated with fantastical imagery.  The simplest way is to limit our children's exposure to the unreal until they have made real connections.  Another option is to make sure that unreal exposures are coupled by real exposures.  For example, if a child reads many books about talking animals, we can point out that the story is fun, but do animals really talk?  No, of course not.  We can say "that's not real, that only happens in stories; what a silly story."  We can follow up with what sound an animal really makes.  We can take our children to farms to see real animals and use the vocabulary of "real."  We can encourage our children to make these distinctions.  The same can apply to holiday imagery, especially imagery that may be scary.  We can point out that things like ghosts, monsters, and the like, are costumes, decorations, or found only in stories.

It's important at this age not to use language that makes something unreal seems real.  Using "it" rather than "he" or "she" for something that is not real can help children clarify the difference.  If we refer to a stuffed animal with a personal pronoun, it becomes far more confusing to the child.  How we discuss and talk about the real and unreal things around us helps inform our children and allows them to make the appropriate distinctions and then explore further.

There are many ways to encourage real experiences during the holiday season.  Children who participate in Halloween can dress up in costumes that reflect real things, like a fireman, policeman, a chef, a veterinarian, a doctor, or any kind of animal, as a few examples.  Fall can be celebrated by raking and playing in leaves, baking with pumpkins and apples, and exploring farms.  Families that celebrate Thanksgiving can encourage children to participate in cooking and preparing the food.  Children at this age can help cut food, stir, pour, help set the table, and decorate.  Presents for holidays like Christmas and Chanukah can be for real things: musical instruments, child size cooking utensils, arts and crafts projects/materials, puzzles, blocks/legos, to name just a few ideas.  For children who celebrate Christmas, discipline can continue the way it has during the rest of the year, rather than focus on how Santa or the Elf on the Shelf view behavior.

Encouraging real experiences during the first plane of development (ages 0-6) can really help a child develop a fundamental understanding of the world around them. Children enjoy participating in real life family experiences, such as cooking.  Children deeply enjoy imitating occupations and activities of adults, and most often, this is what informs their very important act of fantasy play. 

Managing Interruptions

Children can learn from a very young age how to wait their turn when others are talking.  From a Montessori perspective, this is a lesson of Grace and Courtesy.  In the classroom, we demonstrate to young children that it's important to wait their turn and let others finish before talking.  We show the child how to signify that they would like to talk without actually interrupting those who are talking. This allows the child to make their presence known (and validate the importance of their desire to communicate) while letting others finish.

If your child begins to interrupt verbally, gently guide her hand to your shoulder (or hip if you are standing) and gesture for her to wait with a signal. The first time, you can inform your child that you are talking (or doing something) and that you need her to wait for a moment; let her know that placing her hand on your shoulder or hip will signal that she needs something and will wait for your attention.  Explain this the first time, but afterwards, simply gently guide her hand or tap your shoulder/hip to indicate what she needs to do.

After some time practicing and experiencing this, your child will begin to use this technique more successfully and wait for longer periods of time (you can stretch this out by responding more quickly the first few times and then having your child wait for longer periods as they become more able to wait).  Each time your child interrupts vocally, simple remind your child again by guiding his hand or tapping on your shoulder/hip to remind him what to do.  You can encourage your child to do this whenever he would like to talk to you and you look occupied.

Toddlers can be shown this as well, though it may take a lot more time and patience.  Keep wait times short and respond fairly quickly.  This will take a lot of repetition (of demonstration) and will be dependent on your child's verbal skills, but it is something you can introduce.

How to Avoid Using Food As Reward or Punishment

Promising or withholding dessert is not an uncommon parenting technique, and while it has the likelihood to work in the immediate circumstances, it will also likely send a long-term detrimental message to your child.

First, let's look at "bribing" children for behavior in general (giving them something for doing something).  When children are rewarded extrinsically for good behavior, they learn to expect rewards for that good behavior.  In other words, making the right choices becomes unimportant, rather the focus becomes on what do I get if I do that?  Parenting through rewards can set up your child to expect rewards for appropriate behavior rather than making choices because they are the better or more acceptable choices; the motivation shifts from becoming internal to external.  Bribing can often send the message that there is no intrinsic value to the behavior you are asking for; there's no good reason to do it so something else must be needed.

Bribery may give you short term results, but in the long run, it weakens a child's ability to learn to make good choices and what the value is in those choices by making your child dependent on external controls.  For example, bribing a child to eat vegetables shifts their mindset to get a sweet, thus devaluing the importance of vegetables in your child's health and losing the opportunity to teach your child about healthy food choices.  Bribing your child to pick up her toys may result in her picking up her toys, but it also sets her up for only choosing to pick up her toys when rewarded rather than developing the habit of picking up toys because that is what is expected of her as a family community member.  Bribes fail to teach children respect and responsibility.  Long term messages are more important than quick fixes.

Bribery with food (and punishment with food) can be especially detrimental to children.  With a raging obesity epidemic in the United States, particularly amongst children, learning to make healthy food choices is extremely important for young children. Studies have shown that children who experience food rewards and punishments grow up to become adults who are more likely to need "diets" to regulate their eating behavior and have a tendency to binge eat.  Kids who receive food rewards become adults who seek food rewards and have a harder time regulating their own dietary behaviors in a healthy manner. These adults are more likely to make unhealthy eating choices when they feel stressed or that they've worked hard, often creating long-term dietary and weight issues that often affect self-esteem and happiness.  At this point in a child's life, emphasis on food should be focused towards developing healthy eating patterns and making healthy food choices.  Food is better detached from all other concepts other than nourishing our bodies.

So, if we shouldn't bribe or reward/punish with food, what can we do?  When it comes to something like making healthy food choices (such as eating more vegetables), we can lead by example. Children try to imitate the adults they grow around and trust. Genuine enthusiasm for healthy food at home and school translates into an environment that is supportive for development of good eating habits. Tell children how the vegetables will make them stronger and healthier and use specifics to those vegetables (e.g. carrots have beta carotene that helps us see better or broccoli has lots of calcium that makes our bones stronger so we can jump higher and run faster). Include children in cooking the vegetables; children who participate in making a meal are more likely to eat those foods. Explore new recipes and find a way that your child enjoys the vegetable.  Some children prefer vegetables in a sauce or mixed with other foods, some children prefer certain vegetables cooked less; helping your child find a way to like a vegetable can encourage your child to explore ways to be healthy while enjoying it.  When it comes to dessert, it's best to keep it a surprise that doesn't come at the end of every meal with expectation. Or give children desserts separately from meals. Also, keep desserts healthy and talk about healthy versus unhealthy desserts.

For non-food related behaviors, focus on dealing with the behavior directly.  If your child is not cleaning something up, look for reasons why.  If your child is distracted because he has chosen to move onto something else, remove the something else temporarily until the behavior is completed (e.g. "you may continue playing with this, watching this, etc. when you have put your toys away.")  Consequences work best when they are directly related to the task at hand.

Look to see if your child may be overwhelmed with the task and offer help (e.g. "I can see there are a lot of toys here and that's overwhelming; I will help you clean this up but we need to do it together").  Often times, assistance works far better than consequences.  Alternatively, make piles that your child can put away (when things are spread all over the place it is more likely for your child to feel unable to complete a task).  Find ways to motivate your child through tasks that focus on responsibility and prepare them for those responsibilities by explaining to them that they will need to put something away by a certain time, etc., in advance.  Children follow through better when prepared.

Finally, give your children choices when trying to encourage behavior.  Do not change the requirement, but find ways in which your child can have some control as well.  Let your child choose which vegetable she wants for dinner tonight.  Let your child make decisions about your decision (e.g. your child may need to wear a coat but he can choose which coat, or your child must put away the toys but he can choose to do that before or after dinner).  Giving choices helps children develop self-discipline which ultimately leads to making better choices and happier life-styles.

Ways To Communicate With Your Child

The purpose of communication is to coordinate action and build trust in the process. When we apply this to the child, unless our communication accomplishes both (communicating the action clearly and building trust with the child), its purpose is incomplete and outcomes may be unintended.


Studies have reported that the average one-year-old child hears the word “no” more than 400 times a day! One study estimates that the average child hears the word “no” or “don't” over 148,000 times while growing up, compared with just a few thousand yes messages.  It is very common for children to hear negative messages more frequently than positive messages, as many of us were raised with “no” messages ourselves.

The conflict that arises when using the word “no,” is that it fails to provide the information that children need.  Communication between parent and child is often geared towards helping a child make appropriate choices.  Telling a child what NOT TO do does not communicate what the child SHOULD do.  For example, saying “don’t run” tells the child they may not do the behavior that they have chosen, but we have not told them what behavior they should choose.  Do they skip?  Do they bounce?  What do we want from them?  “Please walk,” on the other hand, communicates to the child both the expected behavior and the unacceptable behavior.  Calmly taking them by the hand and showing them how to walk with can further demonstrate the desired behavior.  By conscientiously framing words in a solely positive manner, parents can avoid the frustrating scenario of endless tellingly children what not to do while children can learn what it is that they are allowed to be doing.

Positive communication focuses on respect for the child and involves both speaking and listening. Communication is what we say and how we say it.  Positive communication leads to nurturing relationships, cooperation, and feelings of worth.  It helps young children develop confidence and good relationships with others.  Poor communication can lead to kids who “turn off” adults, conflicts and bickering, and feelings of worthlessness.

Ways to develop positive communication include:

Get your child’s attention before speaking.  Most children can only concentrate on one thing at a time.  Looking directly at your child and calling their name, touching them gently, and giving your child time to look at you will ensure that contact is made and your child is hearing you.

Communicate on the same level as your child.  Stoop down to your child’s eye level, it is difficult for children to make eye contact with you when you stand tall above them.  A standing adult can be intimidating; an adult on his/her level is someone your child can communicate with.

Speak as if you mean it.  A firm, but gentle, tone works far better than an angry or pleading tone.  Tell your child what you want him/her to do and why.  Why is always important because if you have a good reason for the behavior, your child should know what it is (as well as you).  This will help him/her understand what the need for the behavior is.  Give clear, consistent instructions that do not involve emotion or judgment but rather tell the child what you expect.  Remember that body language is important, it will show that you are serious even more than your words.  Remember to be firm rather than angry.

Say "please," "thank you," "you’re welcome," and "I’m sorry" to your child.  Modeling appropriate behavior is a far better way to achieve the desired behavior in children, and we all want our children to learn those words.  Hearing these words from you will attach far more meaning to them than just telling your children to say them.  Remember, children deserve the same courtesies that adults do.

Make requests simple.  The number of requests will affect your child’s ability to both understand and comply with your desires.  Often, your child only really hears the last thing you say, so if you are giving a string of commands, you may find that your child can only comply with the last one in your list.  Make sure requests are short, clear, and consistent.  If your child is still learning to follow multiple steps given at once, allow them to complete one task before you give them the next.  For example, asking your child to collect his/her shoes, jacket, and lunchbox, may be too many commands.  Allow your child to collect one, ask him to collect the next, wait again, and then ask him to collect the third.

Use “do’s” rather than “don’ts.”  Tell children what they should do rather than what they should not do.  Children respond more quickly to positive directions than negative ones.  It gives them a new task rather than place them in a situation where they have to guess at what they should (or could) do instead.

Allow children to make choices.  While a behavior may not be acceptable, give them options of other behaviors that are so they have some control over their actions.  For example, “you may not touch that, but you may touch this or this.”  Coming up with multiple options of appropriate behavior will help your child to want to change behaviors and feel more confident in doing so.

Talk with, not at, children.  Listen to your child and find out what might have prompted their behavior or what their desires are.  Your child will be far more interested in what you have to say if you are interested in what he has to say.  Never talk with your child when you are not able to be fully attentive.  If you are busy with something else, let your child know and that you will talk later.  Share your feelings and accept and validate your child’s.  Be careful, however, not to engage in too much conversation if your child is throwing a tantrum or screaming and crying.  Allow your child calm down before talking, and never negotiate unacceptable behaviors.  Children need to know that once a behavior enters the category of unacceptable, it is always unacceptable with no exceptions.  Instead, offer alternatives.

Use kind words and actions to support your child.  Kind, supportive, and nurturing words help children know they are loved no matter what actions they have chosen and lead to positive self-esteem.  Unkind words make children feel bad about themselves and insecure.  Affection is an effective part of communication and comforting your child is a powerful part of the process.

Be patient.  Children need time to be able to follow through with instructions or sort through their emotions and calm down.  They can only be successful if we are patient with them.

ACTIVITY:  Pick a day and record how many times you say “no,” “stop,” “don’t,” “quit,” or “you know better” (etc.).  Think about ways to replace these words with positive statements and write them down to remind yourself in the future.

A FEW EXAMPLES:

INSTEAD OF,                                                    YOU CAN SAY

Don’t run                                                             Please walk

Don’t                                                                   Stop (then give replacement behavior options)

Don’t scream                                                       I understand you are upset and you may cry, but you
                                                                                 may not scream because it hurts my ears

Don’t jump on the bed                                        Please get off the bed and choose a game on the
                                                                                  floor….or… the bed is for sleeping, you may jump
                                                                                  on the ground

No hitting                                                            Your hands need to be gentle or you will hurt someone
                                                                                  and that is not allowed (demonstrate gentle hands)

No yelling                                                           You need to use a quiet inside voice, can you show me
                                                                                  your quiet voice?

No fighting with your sibling                              You may choose to play without fighting or you may
                                                                                  choose to play alone

Don’t cry                                                             I know that you are sad, and that’s okay, but I cannot
                                                                                  understand you when you are crying, let’s calm  
                                                                                  down and talk (demonstrating deep breaths work
                                                                                  well here)

You know better                                                  Do you remember what the rule is? Tell me. I can see
                                                                                  that you remember so please follow the rule.

Look what you made your sister do.                   Your sister wants to do the things you do and we need
                                                                                  to keep her safe. Please show her the proper way to
                                                                                  do things and help us teach her.


Remember:  If you are not completely honest, children feel it.  If you try to smooth things over, children know it.  If you speak in hushed tones, children wonder what’s wrong.  If your words don’t match your facial expressions, children feel a lack on congruence and may become unsure of what you are trying to say.  Discipline is not about a battle, but rather helping children making appropriate choices.  Helping them make these choices can always be done in a positive and cooperative manner, making both of you feel more positive about each other.

Wandering Is Actually Part Of Learning

Have you taken time out of your day to observe in your child’s classroom, or have you observed in a Montessori classroom when deciding on a school?  During these observations you will see a number of things: children working independently, children helping each other, children socializing, and children getting one on one lessons from teachers.  These all sound wonderful, but you may see something else that, without experience in the classroom, you might observe as troubling or confusing.  You might see children wandering.  You might sense a period of disturbance, where the children seem distracted and overly-active.  You might conclude that this is a different kind of day, or you may wonder why the teacher does not involve herself more.  What you are observing is a very normal and very functional part of the Montessori classroom.  It is a phenomenon called “false fatigue.”

You will most likely observe this phenomenon when the children have been working for about an hour or hour and a half.  Children spend their first hour of the work cycle getting themselves in deep concentration.  After a period of time, developmentally their brains signal a period of unrest, needing a break from complete concentration and focus.  This period can last anywhere from five to twenty minutes, where the children become active, more social, and may seem distracted.  But, left to their own devices, they suddenly begin to settle again, and another period of deep concentration begins.  Dr. Montessori noticed this phenomenon when she first began working with children, and it persists today.  It is part of the process when children utilize their own desires and will power to learn.  Only when adults interject their will or try to control the period of disturbance do the children then have difficulty getting back to work.  By stepping back and allowing the process to happen naturally, the children always move through this period and move onto another period of concentration.  It is this reason that a Montessori classroom must have a three hour work cycle, protected from interruptions (such as “extracurricular classes”): it allows the children to develop a deeper sense of concentration rooted in their own internal drive.

You may even notice this phenomenon at home.  Does your child occupy himself deeply with an activity only to follow that activity with a period of feeling or seeming unsettled?  This is the same phenomenon, and it’s a result of the brain’s need to rest and process after periods of concentration.  Your child may ask for a snack or state that he or she is “bored.”  Try stepping back and let your child experience this.  The less adults intervene and lend their “will” to the child’s activity, the more likely the child will engage again.  These periods of rest are not only natural, but essential to the child’s developing mind.  Children do not always need to be occupied, and benefit from the moments in between, despite appearing or even feeling unsettled.

The Impact of Movement On Your Child's Learning

"Movement, or physical activity, is thus an essential factor in intellectual growth, which depends upon the impressions received from outside.  Through movement we come in contact with external reality, and it is through these contacts that we eventually acquire even abstract ideas." – Dr. Maria Montessori, The Secret of Childhood

If you walk into traditional-style classrooms, you will find rows of desks at which students sit and are presented with information.  In a kindergarten program, you might see children all sitting down together, also being presented with information or working on the same project.  When you walk into a Montessori classroom, you will see nothing of the sort.  You might see children moving about the room, some sitting at a table, others standing at tables.  And you might ask yourself why there is such a difference between this environment and the other?  The answer is simple.  Movement is essential to a child’s ability to learn and so it is both facilitated and encouraged in the Montessori environment.

Over a hundred years ago, Dr. Montessori documented this phenomenon, as she observed that movement was an essential part of a child’s intellectual growth.  She found that children learn best by “doing.”  And so, doing, is an integral component to all Montessori activities.  The physical participation of the child in an activity is what informs the child.  Today, research continually finds support for Dr. Montessori’s findings.  This scientific research affirms that walking, moving, stretching, and other activities actually enhance the learning process.  Sedentary learning creates boredom and disinterest because it fails to stimulate.

Your child’s movement affects his/her body in the following ways:

Relaxation.  Simple stretching can increase the flow of cerebral spinal fluid, thus getting more oxygen to the brain.  The result?  More relaxed eyes prevent eye strain, the body becomes relaxed, and the brain becomes more able to narrow it’s focus to targeted tasks.

Enhanced Spatial Learning.  A new position in the room creates a new perspective and the brain begins to create a more detailed map.  This can refresh the mind as well as enhance a child’s spatial learning, which is essential to mathematical learning, for example.

A Break from Learning.  While it seems counterintuitive, a brain in movement acquires information, but a brain at rest absorbs information.  Periods of rest are essential for the brain to process the information it has taken in.  So, if a child sits with an activity he has taken of the shelf and uses his hands, eyes, ears, and sense of touch to manipulate and acquire information from an activity, he may follow that with a wander around the room.  That wandering is just as important as the involved activity because it gives his brain a rest allowing him to process what he is learned before he moves to a new activity and acquires new information.  For this reason, recess is more than just play; it is an essential part of the learning process as well.

Motivation.  Certain chemicals stimulated by the body’s movement are actually natural motivators.  Noradrenaline and dopamine increase energy levels, enhance information storage and retrieval abilities, and make people feel good.  Children in motion want to do more and are better able to tap into their inner learning drive.

Increase in Self-Discipline.  The original purpose of chairs and desks were to help children in a disciplinary manner: keep them in one place and in better control of themselves.  Dr. Montessori found this to be the very opposite of what happened.  Sedentary learning creates boredom and children become unable to control their bodies.  Movement encourages pursuit of interest and helps the child learn to modify and control their actions.

The Environment Responds and Children Learn Better From These Responses.  Implicit learning is based on the brain’s ability to organize responses to and from the environment.  Utilizing emotions, the brain reacts to stimuli responses from the body’s actions in the environment.  Emotions like surprise, joy, sadness, and fear, all contribute to the categorizing of information being taken in from the responses.  The importance of this is that implicit learning is better remembered and more efficient.

Proprioceptive Awareness (awareness of the body in space).  Awareness of one's body in space, proprioception, is essential to abstract academic learning, like reading, writing and mathematics.  The proprioceptive system is strengthened by physical movements.  Activities of practical life or outdoor play, like sweeping with a broom, pushing a wheelbarrow, carrying a bucket, carrying groceries, pouring, using tongs, emptying the trash, pulling weeds or digging, or hanging from monkey bars all contribute to strengthening this system.  These types of activities stimulate pressure receptors within their muscles, tendons, and joints, and allow children's minds to map of the locations of these receptors within the body.  The result is a connection made between the child's mind and body parts.   Children thus develop a sense of where their body is in space, and even if their eyes are closed, the children will now be able to feel or sense the location of their body parts, as well as the spaces around them.  Now, when these children look at the shapes of letters and numbers, their eyes can follow and track the lines and curves.  The memory of these movements imprints upon their mind.

Once we look at how the brain is affected by movement, it is easy to see how important it is for the learning process and why freedom of movement is an important part of the Montessori program.  It is also an important part of children’s daily lives and something to remember when they are home or out and about.

Movement helps the brain acquire and process information and maintain energy.  So, when your child is restless or cannot sit still, or perhaps wishes to explore, remember that this is all a part of the child’s innate to learn.  These movements are wired in them in order to promote that natural, instinctive learning process.  Encourage and support this movement by finding safe and acceptable ways for your child to move in whatever environment he or she enters.  Be sensitive to this movement and consider it a learning need rather than a behavioral problem.  If your child is acting out, look for ways to encourage movement in order to create a sense of relaxation the will lead to self-discipline.

“Since it is through movement that the will realizes itself, we should assist a child in his attempts to put his will into act.”  -- Dr. Maria Montessori

The Windows Of Opportunity For Learning

The relationship between a child and learning has a very specific foundation and trigger: interest.  In helping guide a child to learning, Dr. Montessori found that if we capitalized on interest, we would know what the child is ready to learn and what their mind is driven towards.  She defined this drive, or almost compulsion, as a sensitive period.  By observing what sensitive period the child is in, we can gain insight into what they are ready to learn and what we should present.  It can also give insight into a child’s behaviors.  Sensitive periods, some short-lived and some lasting for a longer length of time, are windows of opportunity for learning.

Each Sensitive Period described below is described with an age range.  These are guidelines for when they might appear and disappear in a child.  A sensitive period may appear before or after the age range depending on the child; when a child reaches a sensitive period is not a sign of advancement or delay, it only signifies a child’s current learning interests.  The age that will indicate whether a child has entered a sensitive period, but certain behaviors we observe the child exhibiting, such as where his attention goes and what upsets him.

Order:  Appearing from age two to four.  This sensitive period has the purpose of helping children classify the world in order to understand it.  Children develop a fondness for routines, repetition, and consistency.  The often become disturbed by disorder or changes in the environment or the rules.  Children in this sensitive period have difficulty when variability as they are just developing to categorize the things they see in the world.  They need the environment and rules to be consistent while they develop these categories and file things accordingly.  For this reason, the primary Montessori classroom remains in perfect order and children always know where to find things.

Language:  Appearing from birth to age six.  Children are hardwired to absorb language.  From birth they listen to sounds and look at mouths to see how those sounds are made.  They begin to make sounds and repeat them, eventually forming them into words.  During this window of sensitivity, children are able to learn multiple languages as they have a special ability to hear and understand the sounds unique to a language.  At the age of six, this ability begins to drop off in many children as they brain begins to focus on only their primary language.  In the Montessori classroom, we support language by exposing children to vocabulary through song, storybooks, and conversation.

Small Objects:  Appearing from age one to four.  Children at this age are fixated on small objects and drawn to small details.  It is the brain’s way of understanding and observing the little things that make up the world; things that adults often overlook because their brains are focused on the big picture.  Children at this age need time and patience from adults to encourage them to explore these little things…and it’s a great way for adults to take time to remember to appreciate all those little things.  You will notice that many things in the Montessori classroom are comprised of small objects.  This is in order to captivate and draw in the child at this age.

Grace and Courtesy:  Appears from ages two to six.  Children at this age will imitate polite and considerate behavior.  This is the time to expose them to the polite nuances of social behavior.  What they absorb about social behavior rules during this period will become an inherent part of their personality.  In the Montessori classroom, we begin lessons of grace and courtesy about the rules of the classroom and social behavior from the first day of school.

Refinement of the Senses:  Appears from ages two to six.  Children during this period will be drawn to sensorial experiences of taste, smell, sound, sight, and weight/touch.  During this time, children learn to use their senses to understand differentiation in the world.  They learn to understand variation in size, shape, weight, taste, sound, etc.  Given exposure to activities that challenge their senses helps them learn to understand physical variation in the world.  When a child exhibits signs of interest in sensory exploration, a Montessori teacher will direct the child to activities in the Sensorial area of the classroom so he may focus the refinement of his senses.

Music:  Appears from birth.  Children are drawn to pitch, rhythm, and melody.  Exposure to music and rhythm is essential at all ages and help the brain process in ways that positively affect later academic learning.  In the Montessori classroom, we provide children with access to instruments, lessons about musicians and music, as well as songs sung in a group.

Reading:  Appears from ages three to six.  Children reaching this sensitive period become fascinated with letter shapes and formation of words.  They show interest in written words.  When a child exhibits sensitivity and interest in letters, in the classroom, we begin to help them make the phonetic letter-sound relationship through the Sandpaper Letters and begin his journey towards reading.

Writing Fascination:  Appears around ages three to four.  Children spontaneously attempt to recreate written letter symbols.  A child showing interest in making letter shapes in the classroom would be directed to handwriting activities, beginning with making the letter shapes in sand or on a chalkboard.

Spatial Relationships:  Appears from ages four to six.  Children begin to notice and make conclusions about relations in the space around them.  They may begin navigating their neighborhoods more adeptly, focusing on puzzles, or notice differences between sizes, shapes, and measurements.  A child showing interest in spatial relationships, in the classroom, would be directed towards Sensorial activities (particularly visual) in the classroom.

Mathematics Formation:  Appears from ages four to six.  Children become fascinated with quantity and numerical expressions.  Children showing interest in mathematics are first directed towards quantity activities and sandpaper numbers for numerical recognition.  Children at this age want to count everything!

These sensitive periods are only those found in the primary ages, there continue to be more sensitive periods as a child grows older.  These sensitive periods are the primary learning foundations.  A child’s brain begins with the foundation for later development by showing interest in the fundamentals of the world around him.

The most important aspect of sensitive periods is that they are heightened periods of learning.  If a child learns something while their brains are attuned, they learn it more efficiently, deeply, and easily.  On the other hand, if you try to teach a child something while their mind is not attuned (similarly to not being interested), the child is less likely to process the information as adeptly, if at all.  For this reason, in the learning and education process, it is important to observe what the child’s sensitive period is at the moment and focus learning on those aspects.  In Montessori, we consider a sensitive period a window of opportunity; a window that can close.  We want to focus our efforts on guiding those skills the child is trying to achieve while the window is open, i.e. what the child clearly show interest in.  Once it closes or shifts to another period, we lose our opportunity to help the child hone those skills.  By shifting with the child's interests, we can make sure that we are harnessing the learning sensitivity of the child during the sensitive period.

The Importance of Repetition

It happens so many times, your child comes home at the end of the day and reports what he has been working on…and it’s the same thing every day.  Often times this can make a parent nervous, especially if the child is older.  Why is my child doing the same thing every day?

Occasionally repetition can signal that a child is stuck, but only if they appear to be doing the same thing each day without interest or attention.  While a teacher looks for signs that a child needs assistance moving on, she is unlikely to be concerned about a child who repeats an activity with a sense of enthusiasm and exploration.  In fact, it’s what a Montessorian delights in seeing.

Repetition is how we learn.  The phrase practice makes perfect says it all.  The way that learning works is that through repetitive exploration we are able to look at a material from different angles and explore it, letting it become part of our understanding of the world.  At the same time, it allows us to self-critique: we look at how we are doing something and make slight changes in order to perfect the action, making it more efficient.  The Montessori environment is designed to support exactly this kind of learning.  Children choose their own lessons, allowing their interest to guide them to a choice.  They are drawn by desire and that interest allows them to return to an activity with frequency, working with it until they have perfected it.  It is, in fact, a developmental need.  Dr. Montessori wrote “when a child has attained this stage, of repeating an exercise, he is on the way to self-development, and the external sign of this condition is his self-discipline.”

The repetition of practical life activities are essential to the entire learning process.  In order for children to learn academics like reading, writing, and arithmetic, certain neurological pathways of the mind need to be formed.  In order for children to sit still and attend to complicated abstract concepts for long periods of time, they need to have better developed proprioceptive awareness, which is awareness of their bodies in space.  At birth and until they develop proprioceptive awareness, children do not know where there bodies begin and end in space; they do not understand where they are.  For example, if the lights go out, they feel that the whole world, including themselves, disappears.  As we develop proprioceptive awareness, we begin to feel our bodies in space and we become aware of our bodies.  As this awareness develops, so does our ability to retain a visual memory of abstract concepts.  The activities that help children develop proprioceptive awareness are those activities that we see in practical life and in the home: sweeping with a broom, pushing a wheelbarrow, carrying groceries, emptying the trash, or pulling weeds.  The repetition of these activities helps prepare the brain to be able to concentrate on and process more abstract academic work.   Younger children are especially drawn to these activities as their bodies are driven to develop this awareness.

Older children may return to a complicated work repeatedly, but they may also return to a work they have already perfected.  Occasionally, children like to work with something they have already mastered, but look at it from a different perspective and skill level.  Sometimes just remembering how well they can master something gives children the confidence to move forward with more challenging activities.  With complicated work, the repetition is a necessity for the child to learn the information so completely that he may quickly recall it.  This means repetition utilizing all of the senses.  For this reason, children learn math facts in the classroom through hands-on activities.  Four different activities may touch upon the same math facts with the intention of the child exploring these concepts repetitively.  Through self-driven repetition, the child internalizes rather than memorizes.  The same applies to learning the phonetic relationship between a letter sound and symbol in the alphabet.  Children will work with the moveable alphabet for a long time repeating the activity until they internalize the relationship.  Once internalized, they can spontaneously burst into reading naturally (and often to the surprise of everyone!)

 You can support your child at home by encouraging (but not forcing) them to repeat activities at school or home, especially those daily living activities.  If your child is willing (and not all may be so don’t worry) to talk about things they enjoyed working on during the day, you can remind him/her how much he/she enjoyed the activity before the start of school the next day, rather than perhaps trying to engage them in something new that you might like them to learn.  “Hey remember how much you liked doing ____” can encourage as much learning, if not more, than “ask your teacher for a new lesson.”  Children not only learn self-discipline and self-reflection through choosing their own work and repeating it, they also learn things more completely and quickly.  It is their interest and internal drive that will help them accomplish things successfully and our trust in children’s internal developmental drive is what encourages them to excel.

Supporting How Children Learn: Introduction, Recognition and Recall

Dr. Montessori identified and outlined three stages through which children learn, which she referred to as periods.  She found that they absorbed all information (particularly language and math) through this manner and therefore, designed all activities for the child around this concept.  By understanding this process and the stage your child is in, both teachers and parents can help children through the stages of learning and set them up for success.

Introduction: The First Period

The very first experience a child has with a material, or anything for that matter, is considered the introduction.  It is when we tell the child what something is.  This could be a word, a sound, a number, a color, etc.  It is the moment a child first hears something identified.  We label a child as in the “1st Period,” if they are first hearing what something is.  It may even be the second or third (or even tenth) time they have heard something, but if it still seems new to the child, he/she is in the first period.

Recognition:  The Second Period

Once a child begins to process what has been labeled, it enters into his memory through recognition.  This means that a child may not be able to remember what the name of something is when you ask him, but when it is named for him, he can point to it or find it.  Children rarely skip this step, particularly at age three, and can often remain in a period of recognition for a long time.  This may mean that when you ask “what color is this?” they are unable to tell you even though you have introduced it to them many times.  However, when you ask “which one is blue?” they can easily identify the blue object.  When a child is able to do this, the are in the second period, the stage of recognition.

Recall:  The Third Period

When a child can identify something by name, he has reached the third and final stage of the learning process: recall.  The child is asked what something is and can simply recall the answer.  At this point, we know that the child has the information.  This does not mean that a child cannot occasionally forget and slip back into recognition.  If this happens, a few more introductions usually helps the child return to a stage of recall.  The most important transition in this process is the transition from recognition to recall, and this transition can take a long time.  Particularly with reading, a child may recognize sounds long before he can produce them himself.  In fact, the recognition process is facilitated by word-building while reading requires the skill of recall.  Supporting the process of recognition is the best way that parents and teachers can help a child develop the ability to recall the information they have been introduced to.

Using the three periods to help a child be successful:

At home, parents can use this information whenever their child is learning something.  Understanding which period your child in can help you to know what to do next and not be discouraged if he is not answering correctly.  Always remember to introduce and introduce again.  If your child cannot answer, see if they can recognize the object when you provide the word.  Repetition is how children learn, so give them time.

Introduce concepts without correction.  In the Montessori classroom, understanding these three periods allows us to give a lesson and make sure that the child is successful at all times during the lesson.  It is important for a child to feel successful in order to ignite and maintain a love of learning.  We first introduce a concept (eg. “this is blue”).  Then we test to see if the child has reached a period of recognition (eg. “which one is blue?).  If the child incorrectly identifies blue, we reintroduce rather than tell them they are wrong (“ok, put it back down.  This is blue.”).  Children do not need to be pointed out they are incorrect, only continually introduced to the concept again until they have it.  Telling them they are wrong is discouraging, reintroducing is teaching.

Give your child time with new information.  Children need time to process information, so don’t worry if, for a long time, they recognize something but cannot recall it yet.  Give them time to learn things they have been introduced at school without rushing them to learn new things.  Stick with the things the teacher has introduced.  However, always feel free to introduce something if your child asks you what it is…interest is the key to learning (with regard to letters, always use sounds not letter names to support what your child is learning in the classroom).

Repeat yourself.  While repetition can be frustrating, it is a necessary part of the learning process.  The more a child hears something, it helps him transition through the three periods of learning.  If is interest is sparked, use the opportunity to give new language over and over again (colors, letter sounds, number names, new vocabulary, etc.).

Make it fun.  Creating new ways for children to recognize information lets them repeat learning until they internalize the information.  If the child is successful at identifying blue, we come up with different ways for continuing to do this (“can you hide the blue one?” “can you find all the blue things in the room?”).  Occasionally in this process we will ask “what color is this?”  If the child answers correctly, we know they have reached a period of recall and we can move on to teaching the child something else.  If the child cannot answer or answers in correctly, we simply go back to the recognition questions and games.  If you are exploring something new with your child and looking for ways to repeat yourself, make a game out of it.  Find all the things that are blue in the house.  Count 5 of everything you can find.  If your child is working on a sound at school, look for that sound on road signs or in newspapers.

Learning approaches outside the home should be the same as in school.  If your child is bringing something home they have learned at school or is showing interest in learning something, make sure to do things similarly to the way they are learning in school.  Use letter sounds when your child points out a letter, not letter names.  Write letters in cursive and lowercase, not uppercase.  Use real objects that make the idea tangible (eg. count actual objects rather than teach your child rote counting which has little meaning to him).  By being consistent with the way things are done at school, your child will find it easier to learn something.

Don't schedule or push learning, give the brain a chance to rest.  While it is a great joy to help a child learn when they show interest, it can be detrimental to your child to force learning on him when he is not engaged or when he is tired.  Learning outside of school should be spontaneous; supported but not required.  If learning is pushed too much outside of the school environment, your child will not focus on it during school; children need down time.  Rather than schedule learning times at home if you want to encourage your child’s learning, trust the process and let the brain rest.  Information absorbed is processed during rest periods.  The brain needs rest to learn.

Trust the process.   At school, your child’s teacher will be doing all of these things to help your child transition from recognition of something to recalling it.  With letters, your child may do a lot of Moveable Alphabet work (in which they use letters to build words).  This is the best way to strengthen the child’s recognition skills and move them to recall.  Children will work with objects they can manipulate in order to count and really understand what numbers mean.  These processes will take time, but they work.  Encourage children to continue along their current path rather than redirect them to avenues of learning they may not be interested in.

When Your Child Doesn't Want To Go To School...

At some point during the school year, many children make the same complaint: "I don't want to go to school today."  It may start at the beginning of the year, it may start during the middle of the year, or it may happen at different intervals throughout the year.  Children may show school refusal by not wanting to leave parents, complain of sickness, or struggle following a morning routine.  Usually, the impact on parents is the same: frustration, worry, and stress.  Worries about what could be happening at school arise: is my child having problems; is my child making friends; does my child like the school?   How do I make my child happy???

While parents often fear that a child's resistance to going to school is an indicator of a larger problem (which, occasionally, it can be), it's also important to remember that resistance to school, particularly at the preschool age, is actually developmentally appropriate.  Some children have temperaments that make them more prone to anxiety and frustration when faced with challenges, while other children may handle these challenges more easily.  School refusal is neither abnormal nor a behavioral problem, but rather a logical expression to the child for his frustrations.  Children at this age are making transitions from dependence to independence, and those transitions can be easier some days than others.    The desire to learn and interact with friends can conflict with the desire to be with one's parents and this struggle can frustrate young children.  Sometimes children end up feeling overwhelmed by the things they tackle each day, just as adults do, but they lack the ability to properly communicate exactly what they are overwhelmed by.  "I don't want to go to school," is a communication, but there may be many interpretations to this statement and truths behind it.

If your child is having a hard time going to school, here are some steps to follow and things to remember:

Make sure your child continues to go to school.  If your child stops going to school, it will be that much harder for your child to start again.  By continuing to ensure that your child attends school while you work out this problem together, you express confidence that school is a safe and positive place.  Only if you suspect an actual illness should you consider keeping your child home.

Identify the problem, if there is one.  In most cases, a child not wanting to go to school is not necessarily an indicator of a major problem, but it can be, so it is important to investigate a little.  Lack of sleep or illness can often affect children, so it is important to look and see if either of these things are bothering your child.  Still, some children may express symptoms of illness when it turns out they are actually feeling anxiety towards school.  Those symptoms may be real to your child but not the result of an actual illness.  If your child gets suddenly better when not at school, chances are it's not actual illness (this doesn't mean your child doesn't actually feel the symptoms; stress can cause headaches or stomachaches that alleviate when the stresser is gone).  If you think something may be upsetting your child or your child is afraid of something, ask non-leading questions to discover the root of the frustration (putting words in your child's mouth like "are you bored?" or "do you not like your school?" will not get you to an honest answer).  Questions like "if you could make school any way you wanted, what would it look like?" or "what would you to do make recess the best way it could be?"or "if you could change anything about school, what would you change?" can get you much more accurate and informative information.

Speak with Teachers.  Your child's teachers observe and work with your child all day long.  They can certainly help you with clues as to what might be affecting your child, and it's important for them to know how your child is feeling as well so that they may make any necessary changes.  Collaboration between teachers and parents is often the best way to help a child begin to resolve a frustration or problem.

Encourage problem solving and conflict resolution skills.   In the same way that children of preschool age have difficulty communicating with a limited vocabulary, they also have limited problem solving and conflict resolution skills. Children may come into conflict with a friend or be frustrated with a challenge and not know how to resolve it. Their solution may simply be to avoid it altogether, not knowing any other way to go about resolving the issue. If, through talking with your child, you discover an issue that needs to be tackled, help your child think of ways to tackle it and come up with solutions. Helping children learn to identify and solve their own problems (with guidance), rather than trying to solve the problems for them, gives them the skills to solve future problems and helps them approach challenges positively.

A FEW CASE EXAMPLES

Johnny, age 4, does not want to go to school this morning.  He complains of a stomachache.  He has complained of the same stomachache for the past two weeks and only on school mornings.  His mother worries that he may have an illness and takes him to the pediatrician and watches him carefully, making sure he gets rest and fluids, but no illness appears and a pattern emerges that Johnny only feels sick on school mornings.  Worried, Johnny's mother speaks with Johnny's teacher.  Johnny's teacher observes that his behavior has not changed at school and he still enjoys playing with his friends and doing work.  She and Johnny's mother begin to investigate by asking Johnny non-leading questions when he is at home or at school.  Johnny's teacher observes that Johnny shows signs of anxiety she has not seen before during a classroom birthday when candles are lit.  After some questions about the candles at home, Johnny shares with his mother that he is worried about the fire alarm and that the school will go up in flames.  The first sounded fire drill had occurred a few weeks ago.  He worries about the fire and the loudness of the alarm and he does not know when it will go off.  Johnny's mother also begins to observe that Johnny is upset when the oven is on at home.  Johnny's mother reports this to Johnny's teacher and, along with Johnny, they make a plan.  Johnny's teacher promises to inform him before a practice drill and let him know if there will be one that day first thing in the morning so they can be prepared together.  Johnny's mother places earmuffs in his backpack so if a fire drill is set for that day he can be prepared to wear them and muffle the sound.  Johnny's teacher reads a book and talks with the class about fire safety and shows the children all the ways in which the classroom is safe and protected from fire.  At home, Johnny's mother talks with Johnny and his family about fire safety, how their house is safe, and helps assuage his fears by showing him there are plans of action if something did happen but that it is unlikely to happen.  After a week, Johnny stops complaining of a stomachache in the morning.

Martin, age 5, does not want to go to school anymore.  He complains that he does not like school.  After some non-leading questions, Martin's mother discovers that he does not like school because he has no friends.  Martin's mother expresses concern to Martin's teacher that he's not developing friendships.  Martin's teacher is surprised because Martin is one of the most popular kids in the classroom, and everyone wants to work with him, sit with him, and play with him.  Martin's teacher begins to ask Martin more non-leading questions during the school day and discovers that Martin feels like he has no friends.  Martin's teacher points out all of his friends to him and Martin expresses "yes, but they never want to play what I want to play, they don't do what I tell them."  Martin's frustration lies in that he cannot navigate his social relationships in the way he wants, so he concludes that he has no friends.  Martin's teacher shares this information with his mother and they both begin to discuss friendships with Martin and help him find ways to work with his friends while also understanding that just because friends differ in opinions does not mean they are not friends anymore.  Shortly after, Martin no longer expresses a dislike for school.

Louis, age 5, does not want to go to school.  He hasn't really wanted to go to school from the start; it is a new classroom to him as they had recently moved.  His twin brother, on the other hand, loves school and they are in the same classroom.  After a few months, Louis' mother becomes very concerned that she has made the wrong choice for Louis.  She expresses these concerns to his teacher.  At school, Louis' teacher has observed that he is fairly disconnected from the classroom.  His temperament, much different to his brother's, is slow to warm and he seems very distant.  Louis' teacher notices that he is very connected to the adults in his life and wonders if he needs a stronger adult connection at school.  She and his other teachers embark on a mission to bond with Louis.  Every attempt she makes, at helping him learn or engaging in play on the playground, does not make a difference.  One day, not having tried this since she was worried he would not like it, she gives him a few gentle hugs.  Miraculously, the next morning, his mother is astounded: "he wanted to come to school today!"  It took some time, but Louis' teacher discovered that he needed affection from adults to feel connected even though he could not express that.  Together, mom and teacher were able to solve Louis' frustration with careful observation and a little ingenuity.

Not all scenarios have an exact problem like the ones above, however.  Sometimes children's frustrations are about friends or fears.  Others may just be overwhelmed or at a place where they need to feel closer to parents or more dependent.  In these cases, a parent's positivity, confidence, and support are essential.

Make sure your child is getting down time.  All children, but especially young children, need time for their brains to rest.  So many things are learned during the school hours that it is important for your child's brain to have that rest time after school.  If your child is heavily scheduled and not getting that rest time, he may seek that rest during school hours.

Show an interest in school and learning.  When parents express a genuine interest in what children are learning, children are more confident and excited about learning and school.  This does not necessarily have to be specifically about what your child learned at school, any interest in their interests and a desire to continue learning together will best emphasize this.  If they cannot share something they learned during the day, notice when they share or do something new they have learned and ask them to teach you about it.  Approach problems together and work out ways to solve them.  If your child shows an interest in the birds outside, find a book and learn the names together.  If your child likes to build, build together and look at books to find different ways to build.  If your child likes trains, learn the names of the parts of the train together.  Showing your child that you enjoy learning and making attempts to learn with your child will help your child develop an appreciation for the activities of the school day.

Support and accept emotions.  The hardest thing for a parent can be to see your child upset or unhappy.  However, these are realities of life.  All humans are faced with challenges that may frustrate or upset us, but it is our attitude and ability to overcome that creates a state of happiness.  Allowing your child to express frustration, dislike, or fear, helps your child connect with and understand these emotions.  From this understanding, that these are not bad or wrong emotions, your child can then move forward to focusing on ways to manage those emotions effectively and securely.

Let us wait, and be always ready to share in both the joys 

and the difficulties which the child experiences.

-  Dr. Maria Montessori

Social Development: Conflict Resolution

Both peer and sibling relationships can be fraught with situations of conflict.  As stated earlier, this is usually a result of emerging and developing skills of conflict resolution, socialization, and language expression, which children have not yet learned how to use  when solving problems.  Dealing with aggression, hitting, arguing, yelling, and general frustration is as much about modeling appropriate behavior as it is about giving children conflict resolution skills.  When we help children learn how to deal with their frustrations and conflicts appropriately, we can see a reduction in instances that end in violence or anger, and an increase in instances that end in sharing or understanding.  When a situation ends in inappropriate actions, it’s best to think about how this could have been resolved differently and guide children through that process.  Hitting, especially, is most often about not knowing how to handle a conflict and reaching a sense of ultimate frustration, and usually not a child trying to actively hurt another child.

Ways to support your children’s developing conflict resolution skills:

The Peace Rose.  Preparing the environment to handle conflicts is the best way to support resolution skills.  Have a place where conflict resolution can occur.  When children become used to finding a place at home, they may learn to create a place outside a home (like a park bench at the playground).  The “Peace Rose” is a rose set in a vase on a table where children can go to sit and resolve conflicts.  The children take turns discussing what happened by passing the rose back and forth.  Often, they work things out easily once they can express what they are thinking.  The Peace Rose can be any object you choose in the home, but it should facilitate children taking turns to talk.  Using a silk rose and reading The Peace Rose (a book you can find at www.montessoriservices.com), can be a good way to implement this practice.  Demonstrate to your children where the peace object is and how to use it, and let them implement it when they need to.  Direct them to the peace object when they are fighting.

Give children language.  When you talk with children about a conflict, discuss what they could have said, what they felt, and give them exact language for the next time this conflict occurs.  Children may need to learn to tell someone to “stop” (young children who hit often don’t know how to verbal stop another child’s actions).  Other children may also need to learn to stop when asked by another child (emphasizing that you have to listen to someone’s words).

Do not assign blame or punishment.  Conflict resolution is about just that: resolving.  It’s not about who was wrong or who was right.  It’s about helping children resolve their differences in the hopes that they will not need you to help them do it in the future.  Avoid accusatory language like “what did you do?” and instead focusing on gathering facts by asking “what happened?”  Ask “how did that make you feel?” or “how did that make your friend/brother/sister feel?”

Encourage reparations rather than forcing “sorry.”  Sorry is a very big word for a child and when we only teach children to say it, it does not mean they learn to feel it.  If one child has hurt another, ask how that child plans to make amends or what he can do to make the other child feel better.  Have the other child say what will make him or her feel better.  Then, the child must follow through on whatever that is: a kiss, a hug, an icepack, etc.  Teach children “sorry” by modeling the use of the word rather than making them say it.