Social Development: Sibling Relationships

For many children, the first social relationship they develop is with a brother or sister.  The sibling relationship is likely to last longer than any other relationship in one’s lifetime and plays an integral part in the lives of families.  Siblings have a tremendous positive impact upon each other’s development of socialization.  Characteristically, unlike many tentative peer relationships, sibling interactions are emotionally charged relationships defined by strong, uninhibited emotions (of a positive, negative and sometimes ambivalent quality), and intimacy.  As youngsters spend large amounts of time playing together, they know each other very well.  This long history and intimate knowledge translates into opportunities for providing emotional and instrumental support for one another: engaging in play, conflict, problem solving, sharing of ideas, and understanding others’ points of view. In addition, the age difference between siblings often makes the issues of power, control and rivalry a source of contention for children (Sibling Relations and Their Impact on Children’s Development, Howe and Recchia, 2006).

With the nature of the intimate, emotionally charged, and often conflicting relationship between siblings, parenting both children can be wrought with challenges.  Siblings of different ages and personalities may not understand when they are treated differently.  They engage more often with each other and so may enter into more conflicts.  Lacking conflict resolution skills, these conflicts may end in hurt feelings, hitting, and overall frustration.  At other times, siblings may show each other deep affection, collaboration, and support.  All of these behaviors are very normal and typical to the sibling relationship; a relationship that is in many ways personal to the children.

Sibling conflict or "rivalry" refers to antagonism or hostility between brothers and/or
Sisters, and can appear as arguments, fights, whining, nagging, etc. The root of sibling rivalry can sometimes be competition for parental time, attention, love and approval.   Other times conflict arises because young children are still developing conflict resolution, socialization skills, and language, and have not yet learned how to put these things to work for solving problems.  Helping support sibling relationships is as much about making sure to give both children equal love and attention as it is about helping children recognize, understand, and navigate their differences.

Ways to support your children’s developing sibling relationships:

Utilize all the methods for supporting peer relationships.  At it’s root, a sibling relationship is a peer relationship, just with an extra dynamic.  Find ways to encourage play through activities that involve teamwork and sharing of ideas.  Listen to your children’s frustrations and empathize.

Model Grace and Courtesy.  Give children lessons on how to interact in the home and solve problems.  Remember that how parents treat each other and other family members is modeling for how the children treat each other.

Recognize your own sibling dynamics and the impact on you.  Your role in your own family will impact how you approach your children’s relationship.  If you are first born, second born, etc, it is important to recognize how that experience impacted you.  Exploring your own issues growing up with siblings can help you better understand how and why you are making parenting decisions (for example, are you being harder on your first born because your parents were harder on you as a first born, or are you upset with your first born for hurting your second born because you remember that experience as a second born, or are you an only child who does not understand these relationships because you did not experience them?)

Give children your individual time.  Every child needs special time one on one with each parent and individually with both parents.  Design special “dates” that allow you to spend time with just one child, giving each child a turn.

Remember that fairness and equality are not the same thing.  One of the hardest things for siblings is when they are not treated the same.  Why are the rules for one not the same as the rules for the other?  As adults, we understand that children of different ages and temperaments have different developmental abilities and we cannot always have the same expectations.  Siblings, on the other hand, see themselves as peers and do not properly perceive these differences.  Rather than focus on “equality,” help children understand and accept each other’s differences by talking about them, and explain that decisions are made based on “fairness,” making sure everyone gets what they need when they need it.

Avoid placing parental responsibility on siblings.  It is not uncommon for parents to expect the older child to take care of or watch the younger child.  This, however, can cause some problems in the sibling dynamic by giving one child a dominant role and the other child a submissive role.  Instead, support and encourage your children to look out for each other, rather than placing the responsibility on one child’s shoulders.  Young children, even though older than their sibling, are not yet ready to handle parenting responsibilities.  It can also confuse them and make them “police” their sibling rather than play with their sibling (developing conflict rather than sharing and understanding).

Grace and Courtesy: Modeling Social Behaviors

In the Montessori classroom, Grace and Courtesy lessons are a continuous part of the curriculum.  These lessons encourage the children to become aware and mindful of what they are doing in the classroom.  For example, the child may say "I am closing the door quietly" or "I am walking slowly in the classroom."  We give these lessons by showing children step by step how to handle social behaviors for the first time.  While children learn so much from their environment, have appropriate social behaviors demonstrated makes social learning much more concrete for children.  As adults, we must also remember that children socially echo our own behaviors, so we must always be modeling the things we want children to do at all times.

Everyday kindness and courtesy are vital practical life skills and an important part of social learning.  Lessons in Grace and Courtesy teach everyday social customs, such as how to enter a room, not to disturb another’s work, how to ask if you may join in an activity, how to graciously decline an invitation, table manners, and how to offer an apology.

"We must help the child to act for himself, will for himself, think for himself; this is the art of those who aspire to serve the spirit. It is the [adult]'s joy to welcome the manifestation of the spirit." –Maria Montessori

Examples of Grace and Courtesy Lessons for Children:

Toddler

Eating Habits
• Using a fork and spoon correctly
• Chewing food with mouth closed
• Sitting quietly in chair during a meal

Toilet Training
• How and when to go to the bathroom

Proper Hygiene
• How to wash hands
• How to blow your nose

Manners
• How to say "please" and "thank you"

Primary

Social Skills
• How to greet people
• How to shake hands when greeting someone
• How to resolve conflicts (take turns when talking, express emotions, problem solve together, make amends for hurting/upsetting someone)
• How to help a younger friend/sibling

Proper Hygiene
• How to wash hands
• How to blow your nose

Manners
• How to excuse oneself when walking in front of someone
• How to interrupt when necessary
• How to hand objects to another person, especially sharps objects like scissors and knives
• How to say "please" and "thank you"
• How to clean up a spill
• How to open and close a door quietly
• How to pick up and carry a chair

Elementary

Social Skills
• How to work with another person
• How to resolve conflict (take turns when talking, express emotions, problem solve together, make amends for hurting/upsetting someone)
• How to mediate between friends
• How to help a younger friend/sibling

Manners
• Writing a thank you note
• Speaking politely to friends, family and teachers
• Being kind to others

Environment
• How to care for plants and animals
• Setting up a table for a meal
• How to clean and straighten a classroom or home
• How to serve in the community

Social Development: Making Friends

During the toddler age, friendships develop in a more parallel manner than directly.  Children at this age may be drawn to certain children, but play occurs more “side by side.”  Children at this age are less concerned with who wants to play with them, so much as they want to join in the activity.  For example, you may see a group of older children running around a field.  The toddler, wishing to join, runs around the field along side them.  The older children may pay no attention to the toddler, ignoring his very existence, but the toddler does not notice; the toddler is in parallel play, running along side, and in his mind he is completely part of the action.

As children come to the primary age, approaching three years and onward, they begin to play more directly and become more aware of each other.  Temperament can play a large role in how the child goes about developing relationships.  Some children are bold and charismatic while others are shy and quiet.  Some children have many friends while others nurture one special relationship.  Children are just at the beginning of this process and it can take some children longer to navigate the waters than others.

Ways to support your child’s development of peer relationships:

Offer opportunities for play and socializing.  Some ideas include: having friends over for play dates or lunch, participating in a carpool, group activities (such as art, drama, dance, music, or sports).

Give children unstructured play time.

Include your child when talking to people out of his normal range of peers. Take him to visit a neighbor, or bring him along to the dry cleaner.  The more exposure he has interacting with all kinds of people, the more he will learn to do the same.

Provide Grace and Courtesy lessons on how to approach a friend, join in play, or start a conversation.  These lessons can happen in the family and then your child can try them out on the playground.  Show your child how to be a good friend and make friends. The best way is to model the behavior you would like to see.

Provide emotional support to your child by listening to her stories about peers.  Try to develop relationships with her friend’s parents.

If your child has a hard time making friends, empathize with your child, but keep it in perspective. Making friends is a lifelong process and will of course have its ups and downs.  Be confident in your child and never share or show any anxiety you may feel about your child’s social relationships.

Help your child realize his own strengths.

Have a sense of humor about yourself and your shortcomings.

Listen to your child without criticism.

Model: be kind, give compliments, wave to friends, open the door for someone.

Be understanding of what others are going through by showing empathy.

Supporting Social Development in Primary Children

When we discuss the development of children, we must first look at the child’s plane of development. Dr. Montessori coined this phrase when she saw that children of particular ages shared certain focus, direction, and tendencies, emotionally, socially, intellectually and morally.  She observed three major shifts in children’s thinking as they aged and was able to identify three planes of development from birth to adolescence.

The First Plane of Development

Characteristically, children from birth to age six, roughly, fall into the first plane of development.  Considering that intelligence is what distinguishes the human species, the most important act of human development becomes the creation of intelligence and the creation of self.  In these first years, children develop their own unique intelligence and understanding of self.  Through an exchange between environment and a child’s tendencies, the child explores, learns to reason, learns to imagine, and learns to create.  Here, we find the formation of the personality.  The first six years of life are marked by tremendous physical and psychological growth, exploration and development. This is the period of infancy, an unconscious period of development.  Physically, the body develops from head to toe.  Children at this age are concrete thinkers.  Emotionally, he/she needs love and acceptance, respect and understanding, warmth and protection. The child also has a need for security, order, as much freedom and independence as he/she can handle, and social relationships.  At this point, children are laying the foundational blocks for later development.

Ages Three to Six Years (the conscious absorbent mind)

If children have learned to trust, by three years of age they will be able to confidently employ all their previously developed skills and move out into the world.  While children in the first stage of this plane learned unconsciously, absorbing everything around them, children now can direct their efforts more consciously.  Still, children have yet to develop a strong sense of will (the ability to control the body’s emotions and actions), so their conscious efforts may be more impulsive or emotional.

At this age, children now begin to need the social environment of other children, whereas previously they mostly need their primary caregivers.  However, during this stage, children tend to work side to side, rather than together.  Parallel play (playing alongside) may still be apparent at the beginning of this stage as children learn to navigate social interactions.  As children develop during this stage they begin to engage more directly with each other.  While children desire socialization, they still do not have the learned skills of managing socialization: conflict resolution, empathy and understanding, or general social propriety/graces.  These things continue to develop during this stage, and guidance from the adult is essential during this process.  

As children begin to develop empathy and the understanding of other children’s emotions, children begin to assist each other, share materials, and work together.  According to Montessori, society goes through an embryonic phase  (Montessori, Absorbent Mind, p. 232) in the period from three to six.  This can be observed in the children when “little by little, they become aware of forming a community, which behaves as such. They begin to feel a part of a group to which their activity contributes. They begin to take an interest in this community and work on it profoundly ” (Montessori, Discovery of the child, p.15).  Once they have reached this level, the children no longer act thoughtlessly but put the group first and try to succeed for its benefit.  Children during this stage are now able to understand differences between themselves and others, understanding that another child may need more assistance or is experiencing a different emotion.  Awareness of differences and the acceptance of them allows the child to develop a respect for all people, as well as themselves.

How to support the three to six year old’s social development:

Support and demonstrate conflict resolution.  Children at this age are just learning to understand how to solve problems, deal with emotions, and understand each other.  They may not yet have the language for talking things out or know how to make it happen.  Rather than solve the child’s problem, support the children’s ability to solve it.  Give them turns to speak, asking them specifically and non-judgmentally: “what happened?”  Give each child a turn to express what happened.  Ask: “how can we solve this?” or “how can we make this better?” and let the children offer up ideas.  In the Montessori classroom, we have a peace table where children can pass an object back and forth to signify their turn to talk and talk things out.  Children can often resolve a problem on their own when given the ability to have a back and forth discussion.

Model grace and courtesy.  Demonstrate the social courtesies of life, such as how to greet a person, how to say “please” and “thank you,” how to cover your mouth when you sneeze or blow your nose, how to shake hands, how to hand something to someone safely, how to interrupt when necessary, etc.

Support empathy by talking about the emotions of your child, self, and others.  Talk about what people are feeling and ways to make them feel better.

Do not force children to say “sorry.”  Instead, emphasize how they have made a person feel and ask them to think of ways to make reparations for their actions.  Model the word “sorry” by using it yourself when you are making a reparations, and talk about what you mean when you say the word sorry (“I feel badly and want to make it better”).

Give children language for dealing with the problem, should it arise again (“if David takes your toy, tell him “no!”).

Stay out of conflicts if they are resolving without violence.  Sometimes children can navigate social conflicts and need to be left alone to do so.  Take a step back and see if they are working it out or moving on from it before deciding if you need to intervene.

Direct children to find you if they cannot solve the problem on their own.

Supporting Social Development in Toddlers

When we discuss the development of children, we must first look at the child’s plane of development. Dr. Montessori coined this phrase when she saw that children of particular ages shared certain focus, direction, and tendencies, emotionally, socially, intellectually and morally.  She observed three major shifts in children’s thinking as they aged and was able to identify three planes of development from birth to adolescence.

The First Plane of Development

Characteristically, children from birth to age six, roughly, fall into the first plane of development.  Considering that intelligence is what distinguishes the human species, the most important act of human development becomes the creation of intelligence and the creation of self.  In these first years, children develop their own unique intelligence and understanding of self.  Through an exchange between environment and a child’s tendencies, the child explores, learns to reason, learns to imagine, and learns to create.  Here, we find the formation of the personality.  The first six years of life are marked by tremendous physical and psychological growth, exploration and development. This is the period of infancy, an unconscious period of development.  Physically, the body develops from head to toe.  Children at this age are concrete thinkers.  Emotionally, he/she needs love and acceptance, respect and understanding, warmth and protection. The child also has a need for security, order, as much freedom and independence as he/she can handle, and social relationships.  At this point, children are laying the foundational blocks for later development.

The First Three Years (the unconscious absorbent mind)

From the moment of birth, the infant ’s first “work” is that of personality formation or individuation. The personality is developed only by means of social relationships and experiences. Individuation takes place within a social context and is the first step toward social development.  The baby’s first social environment is the mother (or some primary care giver).  Maternal care is absolutely necessary not only for the child to survive physically but also to provide the mother-infant bond, which contains within it the possibility of all future social life.  A positive relationship with the primary care giver gives the child the ability to develop trust and secure attachment.  Infants are born with drives that urge them to relate to others and designed so that others can relate to them.  The first impulses to root and suck, to grasp and smile, to gaze and cuddle in the mother’s arms, are precisely those needed to establish and maintain closeness.

As children become toddlers, social development is mostly focused on the relationship with primary care givers and may extend to other caregivers.  Children at this age may notice other children, begin to engage with strangers (say hello), but it is usually from the security of their primary care base.  Social learning is focused on the environment.  Here is the information needed for the acquisition of spoken language, modes of behavior, and patterns of the culture. Customs, social attitudes and values, cultural habits, and ethnic idiosyncrasies all act to form the shape of the evolving personality. In the period of infancy, the mind takes in such impressions “like a sponge” (Montessori, Reconstruction, p.11).

While children are learning about the environment, they are still focused on themselves and their own experiences.  Children at this age are only at the beginning of the development of empathy and can rarely think outside the self.  They learn about emotions in context of their own emotions.  Children at this stage do not often share naturally (and may not be able to share) or consider the group as a whole.  They are focused solely on themselves and comfort from caregivers.  They interact with each other out of fascination and interest, but rarely evolve beyond parallel play (working along side each other rather than together).  As some children get closer to three, we begin to see the seeds of empathy and more interactive play.

Children at this age do not have a concrete understanding of morality.  For most, the seeds have been laid, and they have an inherent sense of right/wrong and justice, but they have no conscious understanding of this or how to apply it.  Everyone knows young children are innocent, naïve, and gullible: Small children, Montessori said, will accept and believe anything (Discovery of the Child, p. 298).  They blindly understand a behavior as “naughty” if it causes them to be scolded or punished. They have no moral conscience in the sense of being able to distinguish between good and evil. Nor do they have interest in such issues because they are “too immature” (298) to “understand or assimilate ” abstract notions such as “right” and “wrong.”  But, if the environment is warm and safe, however, and if adults deal “sweetly and kindly ” with them (Montessori, Discovery of the Child, p. 298), even the tiniest babies can develop a feeling for what is good.  They may begin to understand what is right and wrong as it is demonstrated to them, but they may not yet understand how to deal a situation in which another is “wrong.”  For example, most toddlers know that having something taken from them is wrong, but they do not know how to handle it appropriately (instead, either hitting in response or bursting into tears).  Appropriate responses will be learned through adult guidance and be available to the children once they have gained control over their bodies.

How to support the toddler’s social development:

Do not force sharing.  Rather, prepare the environment so that every object has a specific place.  Direct children to return objects to their places and let the other child know they may use that object once it has been returned.

Provide children with opportunities to socialize, but be understanding of their desire to remain closer to their caregiver.

Engage yourself in a play-oriented activity, modeling play for a group or pair of children.

Model grace and courtesy.  Demonstrate the social courtesies of life, such as how to greet a person, how to say “please” and “thank you,” how to cover your mouth when you sneeze or blow your nose, etc.

Give children emotional vocabulary.  Talk about your child’s emotions or your own emotions when experiencing them.  Point out other children’s emotions when you see them (“that child feels sad, he is crying;” “that child is happy, he is laughing,” etc.).

Encourage conflict resolution through demonstration.  Children at this age have limited vocabulary, so they cannot talk things out.  Instead, outline their emotions for them so that they can understand what took place (“Johnny is sad because you took his toy, he would be happy if you gave it back;”  “David was excited and took your toy, but that made you sad, would you like to ask him to give it back?”)

Give children language for dealing with the problem, should it arise again (“if David takes your toy, tell him “no!”).

Stay out of conflicts if they are resolving without violence.  Sometimes children can navigate social conflicts and need to be left alone to do so.  Take a step back and see if they are working it out or moving on from it before deciding if you need to intervene.

Positive Discipline: Natural and Logical Consequences

When raising children, the necessity of providing for, loving, and keeping children safe is always coupled with the necessity of modeling and teaching character, self-control, and acceptable behavior. Discipline is what helps children construct themselves into conscientious citizens of the world.  Positive and effective discipline is based on the concept of consequence.  A consequence is the negative or positive outcome of a person’s actions.  Consequences naturally drive human behavior because humans will always strive for positive outcomes.  Just as adults do, children prefer outcomes that work for them.   By pointing out or creating consequences, we can persuade children to choose appropriate behaviors.

There are two types of consequences: natural and logical.  A natural consequence is one that occurs naturally in life for all people.  The natural consequence to not putting your coat on is that you will be cold outside.  The natural consequence to dropping something is that it will break.  The natural consequence to watering a plant is that it will grow and live.  Children begin to examine the relationship between cause and effect from birth.  For example, a baby dropping something on the floor may learn that when he lets go of a toy, it falls.  Using a natural consequence to modify behavior can be achieved by pointing out the natural consequence to your child and what will prevent it.  If he drops something, point out the action which would prevent the item being dropped without judgment and maintaining a calm voice; e.g. “you need to hold the glass with two hands or it will fall.”  The consequence has already achieved the lesson, and all you need to do is help your child see the relationship between his action and the outcome.  The most important (and most difficult) thing to remember of discipline through natural consequences is that, as a parent, you must allow the natural consequence to happen.  For example, if you catch the glass before it hits the ground, your child will not really see the glass drop and will not understand that he needs to control his body to prevent things from breaking.  The same is true if your child refuses to put his coat on.  The natural consequence is that he will be cold outside.  However, if you give him your jacket, there is no natural consequence.  Letting your children learn cause and effect is an important part of teaching them self control and how to make good choices.

On the other hand, not all actions can be allowed to reach their natural consequence, some actions do not have a consequence that is immediately obvious, and some actions don’t even have a natural consequence.  For example, if your child runs out in the street, the natural consequence is that he or she would get hit by a car.  Obviously, this is a consequence to prevent.  You may first try to explain to your child the rule of not running into the street and let them be aware of what the natural consequence would be.  Some children are able to follow rules without learning from the experience.  Not all children have this temperament, though.  If your child breaks the rule, then you must create a logical consequence: “if you run out into the street then you must go back inside,” or “If you run into the street you must always hold my hand near the street and cannot be on your own.”  Point out the reason for the consequence; your child is being unsafe and it is unacceptable to be unsafe.  It is important to tie a consequence back to the behavior you are trying to achieve (safety, in this circumstance).

Logical consequences refer to consequences that are made by another person and do not occur naturally from the action.  This does not mean punishment.  Instead it creates a negative outcome related to the action.  The use of logical consequences is aimed at creating discipline by influencing your child’s actions.  The goal of discipline and parenting is to create confidence and teach our children life skills.  Experience is an important part of this process, children need to make mistakes and learn from them.  Logical consequences allow us to design outcomes that show children that some behaviors are unacceptable or inappropriate when the natural consequence is not obvious or cannot be allowed.

When designing logical consequences:

FOCUS ON THE BEHAVIOR YOU WANT, NOT THE BEHAVIOR YOU SAW.  We are not punishing the current behavior but trying to create a behavior.  Always have alternative behaviors in mind with which you are asking your child to replace the behavior you have deemed “unacceptable;” e.g. you want your child to walk not run, you want your child to use their words or get you instead of hit, or you want your child to use a quiet voice instead of scream.

THINK OPPORTUNITY, RESPONSIBILITY, CONSEQUENCE.  If a child has an opportunity and is not responsible with it, then the consequence is to lose the opportunity.  For example, if your child has the opportunity to play with his toys and refuses to put them away, then you may create a consequence related to the toys.  Perhaps you decide that your child cannot play with their toys for the rest of the day, or that they cannot do anything else until they comply with the appropriate behavior.  Keep in mind that you want to set it up so that children can earn the responsibility back, they can try again later or they can earn it back by showing responsibility with another task you assign them.

DESIGN CONSEQUENCES THAT YOU CAN FOLLOW THROUGH WITH.  Do not make empty threats or fail to follow through with your stated consequence or your child will not feel the consequence.  Not all consequences are easy to follow through on, so only choose ones that you know you can actually make happen.  Children listen more quickly to adults they know will follow through with a consequence, meaning adults who ALWAYS follow through.  If they know you mean what you say and you will do it, they will listen.

THINK ABOUT THE PROBLEM.  Designing consequences is not so much about the consequence as it is about finding a solution.  Children often make behavioral mistakes because they are unaware of the alternatives.  We need to think about how to make them aware of these alternatives and that the alternative is a better choice for everyone.  For example, if your child hits, it is likely that they do not have the language to deal with a problem that is presented.  Children may hit because another child took something away, because they are angry, or because they simply wanted another child to move out of their space.  Often times if we help children identify the problem with us and give them the language to use (“please move,” “this is my space,” “I didn’t like that you did that,” “give that back to me”), we help our children gain confidence and problem solving skills.  Tell your child that from now on, in that situation, they need to come find you if their words don’t work.  Let them know that the consequence for solving a problem with hitting is that they may be removed from the play area or they must play next to an adult (limit the freedom of their play) because no one is allowed to be unsafe.

CONSIDER THE ENVIRONMENT.  If your child has a hard time following through with something, consider the environment around him and what may need to be changed.  If he consistently doesn’t want to brush his teeth, why?  If he can’t avoid the road in the front yard, should he be playing somewhere else?  Is his bed time too early or too late?  Does your child need a more consistent routine?   Think of ways to prevent conflict from happening and then consequences may be unneccesary.

INVOLVE YOUR CHILD.  Having children help you design the consequence helps them with problem solving skills and gives them a greater understanding of their behaviors.  Children are also much more likely to follow through with consequences they themselves design.  When involving children, present the behavior that is unacceptable and ask them what they think the consequence should be.

For example: Your child is running in the house.

If you run in the house, what problems might happen? (child may respond: I will knock something over and it breaks or I will fall)

What do you think we can do so those problems don’t happen? (child may respond: walk in the house, run outside)

What do you think should happen if you choose not to walk in the house? (some options: I have to sit down until I am ready to stop running or I must play in the basement or my room. If they cannot think of one, give them a choice between a few consequences that you have thought up).

Remember, your child does not always have to have a choice.  Some behaviors are so inappropriate that the consequence needs to be more immediate, such as running into the street or hitting.  However, if you are finding your child ignoring the rule you have made despite consequences, involving them may be the best way to get them to understand.

THINK AHEAD.  If you know that you and your child are about to enter a situation that he or she might misbehave during, point out what behaviors you expect to see ahead of time.  Children need reminders of what behavior is expected.  Help them think about the rules before they even have a chance to break them.  This is another chance to involve them, ask them to think of the rules and tell you what they are.  Remember to be willing to follow through on the consequence you assign once they break the rules.  For example, if you and your child go to the store and the consequence for breaking the rules is to leave the store, be willing to leave no matter what, even if you already have your cart full.

BE EMPATHETIC.  Children do not need to feel bad during consequences.  Expressing that you understand your child is sad and showing them that you understand the consequence is hard can help them make the connection between cause and effect without making them feel bad about themselves.  This does not mean stop the consequence, however.  If your child is sitting separately to calm themselves down, give him a glass of water.  If your child has lost the opportunity to play with his toys for the rest of the day, help him find something else to do.  We want children to understand that unacceptable behaviors have hard consequences, but we have faith in them that they can learn to make better choices.

THIS IS NOT PUNISHMENT.  Punishment is about power and authority, consequence is about social order and making appropriate choices for society.  Punishment is not related to the situation, while logical consequences outline cause and effect related to the behavior.  Punishment is judgmental, logical consequences do not imply bad or good but simply what is acceptable and what is not.  Punishment focuses on the past behavior, logical consequences focus on the future desired behavior.  Punishment is threatening and angry, logical consequences are about parents teaching their children appropriate behavior.  Punishment is about obedience, logical consequences are about choices.  Anger, warnings, threats, and reminders can turn a consequence into punishment.  Instead, remind children of acceptable behaviors, and design reasonable consequences if they choose unacceptable behaviors.

KEEP YOUR OWN FRUSTRATION LEVEL DOWN.  If you cannot think of a consequence, slow down or stop any reacting.  If you can’t come up with anything, say nothing.  Sometimes merely removing your child from the situation or taking their hand in immediate situations can give you enough time to think it through, often times removal is a consequence.  If you stop the behavior physically (but gently) this time, you can take your time thinking of a consequence for next time, or you can work with your child to design one.  This is particularly helpful if your child is throwing a tantrum, sometimes just getting up and going and giving both of you time to calm down will make the situation clearer.  Don’t feel bad about yourself as a parent, these skills are learned and do not come naturally.  Take your time with it.

Setting Limits: Creating Positive Authority

As children develop, they become aware of (although do not fully understand) the concept of authority.  By authority, we mean the ability to direct actions and make decisions.  With this awareness comes two simple questions: who has the authority and what do they have authority over?

Many of us were raised under the notion that parents have full authority by right (the old "do what I say because I said it" philosophy).  However, as laws and views on child rearing change, it becomes more apparent that this authority should be based on good intentions with a child’s best interests in mind.  The concept shifts from unwielding authority to authoritative guidance.  A child has no idea what his or her best interests are, as they have little understanding of the world.  Inherently, both parent and child know that the parent, the owner of the information and abilities in navigating the world, is the only one with the ability to properly guide actions.  But, equally important to the child is that as the child gains access to this knowledge, authority begins to transfer over time, trickling down slowly, such that children have more say over their actions and eventually become adults who hold their own authority.

The important thing to note here is that children WANT parental authority as much as they need it.  In a world where they do not know what is safe or unsafe, possible or impossible, children need to know what the limitations are (and what they aren't).  They need to know where the boundaries are drawn. Clear and consistent limitations create these boundaries.  As children grow older and become more competent, those boundary lines need to move further out, giving children more choices and more opportunities to gain knowledge and personal authority.  But always, they still need to know where existing boundaries lie.  Here are a few guidelines on creating limitations to outline which actions or decisions are acceptable for your child and which actions or decisions are not acceptable.

AUTHORITY SHOULD BE POSITIVE.  It is important to remember that authority does not imply authoritarian.  We are not looking for blind compliance.  Limitations should be set with confidence: confidence that your child can be successful and confidence in knowing what is best for your child.  Feel free to make your child aware of your reasons (without lecturing).  For example, it is okay to say, “you need to brush your teeth or they will be damaged and hurt.”  Or, “it is important for our bodies to sleep and children need more sleep than grown-ups.”  Explanations should not sound like reasoning, however.  They should remain simple and matter of fact.

BE SPECIFIC AND DON’T ARGUE.  Your child should know exactly what behavior is acceptable and what behavior is not acceptable.  Phrases like “stop it,” “stop misbehaving,” “behave,” and “you know better” fail to outline a limitation and, instead, sound more like frustrated nagging and confusing directions.  The concept of behaving is very broad and abstract to a child, and specific instructions like “use a quiet voice” or “walk with slow feet” are much easier for children to follow.  With extremely young children, it can help to break down actions for them.  For example, if your child has a habit of walking away when you are trying to address them, ask him or her to “stop, freeze, don’t move.”  Then give the command “please walk back to me.”  Follow that up with the command of “please listen.”  Do not argue or negotiate things that a child may not change; some behaviors are simply unacceptable and not negotiable.

CHOICES ARE IMPORTANT.  Children are compelled to develop their own will (self-control) and interests.  The slow transfer of authority comes in the granting of choices, giving the child what Montessori called “freedom within limits.”  This controlled freedom satisfies both parties’ needs in the power struggle for self governance.   For example, if your child doesn't have a choice in taking a bath, he might have a choice on which bathroom, what toys he uses, or which order in which he washes his body.  If your child does not have a choice in going to bed, she might have a choice over what she sleeps in, what she sleeps with, or which blanket she wants.  If your child doesn’t have a choice about getting dressed, he might have a choice over what he wears.  Make sure choices aren't overwhelming by only giving two or three options for children to choose from.  The younger the child, the fewer the choices (or they may get confused or frustrated).

A TRICK FROM THE CLASSROOM.  One of the best tools is the simple phrase, “you can either do it yourself or I can come over there and help you do it.”  This phrase, used with a firm tone, suggests that you will allow your child to make the choice and come on his own, but if not, you will come over to her and help her come to you (or help your child do what needs to be done).  More often then not, children want to do things themselves and they will make that choice.  If you end up assisting, then the child understands that you mean what you say and you are consistent.  And, sometimes, children just needs assistance.  They might be more willing to follow through on an action (like cleaning something up) if they are offered some help.

YOUR TONE MATTERS.  If you give a direction that has a question mark on the end of it…it will not set a limitation.  If your tone is weak, you may sound as though you do not mean what you say and your child may not know if you mean it.  If your tone is angry, your child will become frightened and not understand your intentions.  Your tone should be firm but calm: you will not be changing your mind, but it is with good reason.

OFFER ALTERNATIVES.  While you have made a limitation, and that limitation may make your child sad, feel free to come up with an idea that will make both of you happy.  Alternatives are a great way to avoid power struggles, and make you and your child feel like you are on the same team.  Perhaps your child may not have dessert before dinner, but you could both think together about what you would like after dinner.  Perhaps your child cannot watch television, but you can think of games to play or go for a walk outside.  If you find your child doing something they should not be doing, set the limitation, but then help them think of things they can be doing.


BE CALM.  Anger is the adult's worst enemy.  It can make reactions more harsh than necessary, scare scare your child, and make your child treat others with anger.  Step back and take a moment to breathe. Act rationally and only once you are calm (it's okay to walk away until you have calmed down, or ask another adult to handle the situation if need be).  Rather than saying something hurtful or in frustration, you can then compose your words more positively, like “what happened?” "is that allowed?" or “what should we do now?”

BE CONSISTENT.  When you set a limitation, it must always be the same.  If it changes from day to day, or by situation, then it does not exist in the child's mind and confuses them.  Children push limitations that are not consistent because they become uncertain that they are there.

SET REASONABLE AND AGE-APPROPRIATE LIMITS.  Let children do things they are capable of, and afford them the ability to make mistakes.  At the same time, consider what your child is capable of.  For example, if your child has a hard time sitting still, expecting them to do so or be quiet for an extended period of time may be impossible.  Likewise, forbidding your child to have an accident or insisting they finish all the food on their plate may be asking them to do more than they are capable of.  If you can tell that they are likely to fail at the behavior, then you need to change your expectations and your approach.

DISAPPROVE OF THE BEHAVIOR NOT THE CHILD.  Let your child know that you believe that they can follow through.  Make your child aware of the limits beforehand (particularly in a situation you know that rules are likely to be broken) to help them remember (tell them you are reminding them to help them be successful).  Making a child aware of a limitation does not mean that we have to make them feel bad about breaking a rule; we can still make them aware that we understand that they are still learning while still setting the limitation.

CHANGE LIMITS AS YOUR CHILD GROWS.  Allow your child more freedom and opportunities as they age and show that they can be successful.

CATCH YOUR CHILD DOING IT RIGHT.  Point out when your child follows the rules and tell them that they should be proud of themselves and you knew they could do it!

Encouraging Self-Discipline and Development of the Will

The term will is often used with children.  Children can be described as willful or manipulative.  They can be classified as disobedient, and this is usually considered a direct result of their will or willful nature.  Children make choices that adults deem unacceptable and, traditionally, are considered to be trying to control situations or get their own way.  But, in the Montessori Philosophy, we strongly believe otherwise.  It is the development of the will that creates obedience and self-control, and any other behaviors are a direct result of having not yet developed a will.

A child who exhibits impulsive behaviors and/or has difficulty following rules or directions is an example of a child who does not have a strongly developed will (control over one's emotions and actions).  This child has little control over himself and difficulty following rules or directions, overwhelmed by interest and curiosity (consider the toddler).  The child’s ability to develop the will and gain control over his own body is what is called self-discipline.  Self-discipline ultimately leads to the ability to obey directions or rules and make appropriate decisions.  Traditional philosophy on parenting and educating often believes that external control (via punishment or incentive) by the adult is what encourages children to obey and become disciplined.  However, Dr. Montessori discovered that it was quite the opposite.  It was the removal of the adult’s will that allowed children to follow and learn from their own actions, ultimately developing self-discipline.  Instead, the adult’s role is to design the environment so that the child can operate within that environment safely and acceptably in order to develop this.  What the child needs, Dr. Montessori found, is the ability to act in order to develop control; the child needs independence and freedom (within appropriate limits) to explore physical control.  Self-discipline is far more beneficial and essential to the concept of obedience of social and safety rules, as it is derived from the child regardless of adult interaction.  It ultimately leads to proper moral development and internal discipline as the child turns into the adult.

How can we help the child to develop the will in order to gain control over himself in order to develop obedience and make consciously appropriate choices?  In the following ways, the adult may design it such that the child learns from his own choices and actions, developing self-discipline, rather than the external discipline the adult’s command:

Giving children access to daily living activities.  Participation in the activities of life allows children to develop control over their bodies and their minds.  Fine and gross motor control gives them the ability to control their bodies with their minds, thus allowing them to complete appropriate actions.  Working with these activities ultimately creates concentration.  A child having a difficult time with behavior or engaging himself appropriately may simply need a meaningful task (particularly on that allows him to participate with parent or family or gives him ownership in the environment) to absorb himself into.

Protect concentration.  Concentration (developed through continued interest and exploration of an activity) leads to perseverance.  Perseverance ultimately allows a child to overcome obstacles, make decisions when challenged, and work towards a goal despite difficulty.  This directly leads to creating self-discipline (and future moral development) such that the child will make choices consciously.  To protect concentration, try not to interrupt a child who is working intently on something acceptable and purposeful (even with a tap), unless absolutely necessary.  If you would like to join in the activity, observe and follow the flow to jump right in rather than stop the child and have them explain.

Encourage children to follow their interests.  Letting children make choices about activities that interest them can allow them to follow their internal guidelines and helps develop inner control.  If children are drawn to something unsafe or unacceptable, utilize their interests to draw them into something alternative that is safe and acceptable.

Give children liberty within limits.  Giving children choices allows them to make free decisions.  However, children are not able to know what is best at all times, so the adult may give the child choices amongst options the adult decides.  We call this "freedom within limits;" it is freedom of choice within previously adult-set boundaries.  For example, instead of choosing what your child wears, give him a choice between two or three outfits you have picked out (this way you make certain the clothing is appropriate for the weather or situation, but your child still has a degree of choice and control over his surroundings).  If your child chooses something that is not acceptable (whether it be a behavior or otherwise), offer alternatives that are acceptable and let him choose from those.

Think consequence rather than punishment.  Let children discover the consequence of a specific action, rather than give them an arbitrary punishment unrelated to the behavior (i.e. timeouts).  Allow natural consequences to happen or design logical consequences (consequences related to the specific action) that let children see the results of their choices.  Follow through with consequences consistently so that same relationship between action and consequence is always made.

Designing Healthy Lunches

A well-balanced meal can mean a well-balanced day.  Food is not only connected to health but behavior as well.  Studies have found that foods with artificial dyes, artificial flavors, and preservatives (esp. sodium benzoate) can trigger hyperactivity in children, which can lead to a multitude of behavioral problems.  Studies have also found that processed sugars can decrease children’s activity levels, making them tired by throwing off glucose levels.  Lunch is an important nutritional part of every child’s day.  While breakfast gets your child started, lunch keeps your child going through a long day.  Healthy lunches can help children make better choices, feel more emotionally positive, and learn more effectively.

Often times the hardest thing for parents is trying to find things that their children will eat.  Sometimes any food seems better than healthy food.  There are some ways to help your children make healthier choices.  Including your child in making his/her own lunch can be a way to start the conversation.  Children are also more likely to eat their lunches when they participate in making them.  If your child is picky, it is okay for him/her to eat the same thing each day.  Find a healthy set of foods your child is willing to eat and send those for lunch.  Then, to introduce new healthy foods, add one new thing each day and see if your child likes it.

Here are some ideas to make lunches healthy and yummy:

Start with a healthy protein that your child enjoys.  Macaroni and cheese, a sandwich or tortilla roll-up, soup, or even left overs from last night’s dinner kept warm in a thermos are great ideas.  Dairy products like cheese and yogurt are good proteins as well.

Add vegetables and fruit with lots of color.  Slices of raw vegetables like carrots, cucumbers, celery, sweet peppers, and cherry tomatoes are great ideas.  Yummy dips like ranch or hummus can make veggies more appealing.  Bananas, strawberries, grapes, apples, pears, peaches, and plums are all fruits that kids love and satisfy the sweet tooth.  There are so many vegetables and fruits your kids can begin to explore!  Pureed fruits like applesauce are always a favorite (and there are so many kinds now!!) though fresh better than packged.

Think whole grains.  Use brown grains rather than white whenever possible.  They are a better source of fiber and nutrients than white grains.  Cookies, crackers, and breads all have whole grain choices.

Get color naturally.  Foods that are full of dyes have an extreme effect on children’s behavior.  Yogurt is a wonderful healthy lunch choice (especially since they are full of probiotics).  Choose yogurts that are natural and without lots of added sugar.  Let fruit color them rather than dyes.

Water is the most hydrating.  Water and milk are healthier beverage choices for lunch.  Many juice boxes have as much sugar as sodas.

Whole foods are better than processed foods.  Processed foods are full of sugar and sodium, so whenever you can buy something that isn’t from a box with a long shelf life, you are doing your child’s body a favor.

Check labels.  Keep an eye out for dyes (yellow, blue, and red), artificial flavors, and sodium benzoate.  Check the sugar and sodium level on the foods your give your child.  You’ll be amazed how many things we all thought were healthy are actually full of sodium or sugar!

Snack foods are for snack.  We all grew up with goldfish and cheezits, but these foods are really lacking in the nutrition department.  There are many more natural brands that make healthier versions of these same foods, but they are still snack foods and not nutritionally part of a balanced meal.  Even with healthy versions of snack food, limiting snack foods in favor of whole foods, proteins, fruits and veggies is more nutritionally beneficial for your child.

No dessert, please.  Dessert is not always an evil, but the less sugar in your child’s lunch, the better.  Dessert is better left out of the school day, but a yummy sweet fruit can easily take its place.

Take time to talk with your child about healthy food choices.   While grocery shopping, making dinner, sitting at the dinner table, or preparing your child’s lunch the night before (or morning of), you can include your child and talk about food choices.  Talk about what it means to be healthy and how different foods affect the body.  Letting children participate in the process and decision making will not only teach them how to make healthy food choices but empower them to explore new foods.  And even if they are resistant to new foods, encouragement and education without pushing will help them get there, eventually.

Keep a look out for new ideas.  The Internet has wonderful suggestions for recipes to try out with your children.  Search “preschool lunch ideas” and see what you find.  Pick the brains of friends, relatives, and acquaintances.  There are a lot of great creative ideas out there!

Fiore Conversations: The Child's Intent

Another wonderful Conversation At Fiore this past Friday brought about a very important concept involved with learning to understand our children's behaviors: our children's intent.

Often, we see a behavior in our child that we seek to understand or even change.  However, we can only guide a behavior in the appropriate direction when we know why that behavior is occurring.  We must interpret the intentions of our children in order to do so.  It is not unusual for adults to wonder (or suggest) if a child's intentions are those of manipulation or control.  But, often, these kinds of intentions require more complex or abstract developmental thoughts than young children are capable of.  These assumptions of intent can often have more to do with the adult's experiences of the situation than the child's.  Adults can feel manipulated or in a struggle for control, but often times they are missing the perspective of the child's development.

Our greatest challenge is to look at our child and always assume positive intentions.  This is even more important with children in the first plane of development, meaning children under the age of six.  Children at this age are deeply in the process of developing themselves, particularly their foundational skills (coordinating movements, language, and understanding the basics of social interactions).  At the age of three, a child is only beginning to understand the concepts of empathy and "self."  In order for children to understand the basic fundamentals of their environment, they have been given certain innate drives in order to stimulate learning and coordinate thoughts.  It is most often these drives that are the root intention of most children's behaviors.

Order.  The need for order is essential in the first plane of development, particularly between the ages of 18 months and four years (but can be strong and still noticeable before and after this period of time).  Children need order to understand their environment, order in the sense of things being predictable and consistent.  Children sensitive to their mind's need for order can become frustrated when that order comes undone.  Something as simple as at item not being in the same place or more complex as in a changed schedule or unanticipated event can make many children extremely upset.  If your child is showing a behavior that involves emotions of frustration or anger, it is often related to the child's sensitivity to order.  Looking to see if your child's environment or routine has been thrown off can help you remedy the child's frustration or be more sensitive to your child's experience through unanticipated transitions.

Interest.  A child's learning is driven by interest.  Children are drawn to things that they wish to learn more about or experience.  An activity like dumping water on the floor can be an exercise in trying to learn more about the properties of water or trying to coordinate the muscles to turn the container.  The child does not see the mess or result, but merely absorbs the experience of the activity.  If a child's interest draws the child into behaviors that are unacceptable, learning to notice the interest can greatly help redirect the child to more appropriate actions.

Sensory or Biological Sensitivity.  Children have extremely sensitive sensory organs.  They feel, hear, see, and smell much more strongly than we do.  Some children can be frustrated by a feeling while others may be drawn to a feeling.  These avoidances or enticements can direct much of their behaviors. Other children can be experiencing some form of biological discomfort, whether they are sick, tired, or any number of other medical experiences.  These can often affect a child's behaviors and make them do things in ways we fail to understand.

Attention.  Children need attention and they learn from us what will bring that attention.  A child who consistently chooses negative behaviors because those are the ones that draw attention may be in need of more positive-oritented attention.  A child with a new sibling who is in need of attention may replicate the infant's behaviors because the child notices that those behaviors draw attention.  This is not manipulation so much as a very basic understanding of cause and effect on the part of the child.  Children cannot communicate their need for attention so instead they seek to draw that attention with behavior.

There are many reasons why children initiate certain behaviors.  Assuming positive intent can help us be more patient with them which helps us guide their behaviors in the most effective manner.  In the same way that adults wish for others to assume that their mistakes were made with the best of intentions, the young child benefits most when we trust their intentions to be based on their need for development and stimulation rather than control or manipulation.

Creating the Montessori Atmosphere

The Montessori environment is unique.  As a parent entering into a Montessori classroom, you have seen this and the atmosphere you have experienced has led you to choose this school for your child.   Witnessing you child's positive experiences you may wonder how you can support similar experiences in your own home.  The Montessori atmosphere can be created in any home because it is an approach: a foundational set of principles that create an attitude towards children, their development, and the world they live in.

BEING A MONTESSORI PARENT

In their article, Being A Montessori Parent, (found at the link above), Karen Skinulis and Stanley Shapiro beautifully describe these principles and how they can be applied at home.  Talking about encouraging independence, establishing order, helping children to be helpful, the development of concentration, nature, practical life, self-discovery, encouragement of choice and developing an interest in learning, and using encouragement rather than rewards, these parenting coaches have wonderful insights and practical examples to follow the Montessori approach at home.

Thoughts?  Comments?  Any similar or different ideas you have used at home?

Montessori Principles for Parents: The Basics

Children Create Themselves: The Absorbent Mind

“The child has other powers than ours, 

and the creation he achieves is no small one; it is everything.”

- Dr. Maria Montessori

The child’s mind is a sponge, designed to absorb and process the information around it.  Before the age of three, the child does this without conscious thought, and the method of absorbing and processing information is guided by every experience and stimuli around him.  He impulsively acts and reacts with his environment.  The brain is hardwired to allow unconscious processing (meaning without specific intention) in order to allow the small child to develop the skills necessary to function.  Those skills must come before his mind is able to consciously (activated by the child's thoughtful intention) process information.  Examples of how this learning process naturally happens are how the child learns to sit, crawl, walk, and talk without being “taught” to do so.  These actions happen naturally and each child has his own process to achieve them.  In this manner, the young child creates who he is and what his abilities are.

After the age of three, the absorbent mind continues for three more years, but the child creates himself consciously, developing the ability to have more specific interests and intentions.  The first three years created foundational skills the child may now build upon, working towards his own specific interests and abilities.  Children are driven by their interests and there intention is to seek, explore, and discover new information based on those interests.  Humans are an incredible species in that our survival is dependent upon our ability to learn and think.  For that reason, the developing brain's main purpose is to learn and strengthen the ability to think.  Children are born with the desire and need to learn at all times and they are driven by this.  They are driven to create themselves.

Follow The Child Through Observation

“No guide, no teacher can divine the intimate needs of each pupil and the time of maturation necessary to each; but only leave the child free and all this will be revealed to us under the guidance of nature.”

- Dr. Maria Montessori

Because of the child's unique drive for learning and creation, it is his impulses and interests that best drive the process.  Understanding this drive shifts the adult’s role from deciding what, where and when the child learns to guiding the child through his own process of learning.  Dr. Montessori coined the phrase “follow the child” to reflect how adults make those guidance decisions.  Closely observing the child allows the adult to take note of what interests the child and what the child is trying to work on or discover, and allows the adult to guide the child towards or through tasks that achieve the child’s goal.  The adult may help a child be successful with a task by providing assistance (but not doing it for them) or may help guide them to something that interests them while making certain that activity is safe.  The adult can provide information about something that peaks a child’s interest (a word for an object or information about something unknown, for example).  When a child directs the interest, he is more likely to be engaged and more likely to process the information.  Learning is most valuable to a child (and desirable) if it is driven by his own interests.  Only by observing the child’s interests and focus during an activity can an adult help guide that process.

Promote Independence

“These words reveal the child's inner needs: 

‘Help me to do it alone.’"

-Dr. Maria Montessori

When guiding any process or activity, the best goal for the adult is to help the child achieve a sense of independence.  The more a child is allowed to do for himself, the more capable he becomes.  This leads to self-discipline, a desire for success, and the child’s own belief that he can achieve success.  If a child is able to do something, we should allow them the time and patience to accomplish the task no matter how long it takes (or how imperfectly it is done).  If a child needs assistance during a process, we should give that assistance but only so long as they need it, and let them continue onward independently in the process if and when they are able to.  We should the child assist us in the daily tasks of life, so that he may learn to accomplish these tasks.  Dr. Montessori once wrote that we should never do for a child what he can do for himself.  To do so corrupts the child’s belief that he is capable.  The less capable a child feels, the less he wishes to achieve.  It is through the adult’s promotion of the child’s independence that he becomes secure in his abilities and becomes driven to achieve more.

Prepare the Environment

“To assist a child we must provide him with an environment 

which will enable him to develop freely.”

- Dr. Maria Montessori

While it is the child’s own interests and intentions that drive his learning process, it is the environment that provides the experiences and stimuli from which he becomes interested.  In this way, the adult has the ability to have some control over what the child uses to create himself.  If we provide simple child-sized tools that children are able to use, they are more likely to be successful with tasks.  The adult has the ability to set up a task so that the child will be most successful.  If we secure the environment and make certain that it is safe, the child can be more free to explore without safety being a concern.  If we provide appropriate materials in the environment, then we can protect the child from exposure to inappropriate materials.  If the adult focuses on what he can control, the environment around the child, then he can allow the child to freely explore and follow his own instincts.

Guidance Instead Of Correction

“Our care of the children should be governed not by the desire to 'make them learn things', but by the endeavor always to keep burning within them the light which is called intelligence.”

- Dr. Maria Montessori

When children begin to do things for themselves, they often do things “incorrectly” as they begin learning.  The adult’s instinct is often to correct the child, focusing on what has been done wrong.  When the focus becomes the negative, the child often feels stifled and loses the desire to continue.  Children faced with correction often walk away from a task.  However, when we focus on what the child does correctly and reintroduce what needs to be done, the child feels energized and looks to continue.  Children benefit more from positive examples of how to do something rather than negatively pointing out what they have done wrong.  For example, if a child spills water, instead of pointing out that they spilled, refocusing the child on how to carry the object containing the water illustrates the same thing without negatively impacting the child’s desire to continue.  If a child answers a question wrong, it is unnecessary to point out that they are wrong.  Not correcting a child does not imply that they will always be incorrect.  Rather, it means that you have more to explain to them (either then or a later time).  The self-discovery of correcting himself is far more valuable to the child than your own correction.  For example, a child may say “two plus two is five.”  Rather than say, “no, it’s four” we can say “let’s see.” Take two objects and add two more.  Let the child count again.  The child will excitedly announce, “it’s four!”  Through this process, the adult has guided the child without correction, allowing the child to discover the answer himself.