As the holiday season arrives, the world around us becomes increasingly immersed in a world of fantasy. Halloween brings scary images to grocery stores, Thanksgiving brings talking and walking turkeys, and the Christmas holiday brings Santa Claus imagery in abundance. Whether or not a family takes part in these holidays, the imagery is there in the world around us; it cannot be escaped completely. Even beyond the season, fantastical imagery is everywhere in many children's experiences: movies, books, stories from adults, etc.
Dr. Montessori spoke about fantasy quite frequently. She was a champion of the imagination and creativity, and much of the freedom in the classroom is designed to support that development. But, she was concerned that adults misunderstand how children develop imagination. She found that a child's ability to create and explore was best enhanced by realistic experiences in the world. Only after the child understands what is real, can he imagine further possibilities. She argued that giving children fantasy does not create imagination, but rather directs it according to the adult's ideas. It does not stem from the child's creativity, but rather, the already existing cultural influence.
The child's mind does not distinguish real from unreal as easily as the adult's mind does. This does not mean that, at the preschool age, children cannot do it, but rather that they are not always certain about which category (real or unreal) something falls into when first introduced (at the toddler age, however, the ability to make such a distinction is only just starting and not well developed at all). If something unreal is treated real by adults, children have an even harder time making the appropriate conclusions and will most often go with what the adults says until they reach the second plane of development (around age 6) and begin to question things from a different perspective. Many children realize early on that talking animals are unreal, if they have been exposed to a number of real animals to see that they don't talk. Without the exposure to the real, however, it is difficult to make this distinction.
How can we, as parents and educators, encourage children to make appropriate distinctions between what is real and what is not? This notion is important when children's minds become so inundated with fantastical imagery. The simplest way is to limit our children's exposure to the unreal until they have made real connections. Another option is to make sure that unreal exposures are coupled by real exposures. For example, if a child reads many books about talking animals, we can point out that the story is fun, but do animals really talk? No, of course not. We can say "that's not real, that only happens in stories; what a silly story." We can follow up with what sound an animal really makes. We can take our children to farms to see real animals and use the vocabulary of "real." We can encourage our children to make these distinctions. The same can apply to holiday imagery, especially imagery that may be scary. We can point out that things like ghosts, monsters, and the like, are costumes, decorations, or found only in stories.
It's important at this age not to use language that makes something unreal seems real. Using "it" rather than "he" or "she" for something that is not real can help children clarify the difference. If we refer to a stuffed animal with a personal pronoun, it becomes far more confusing to the child. How we discuss and talk about the real and unreal things around us helps inform our children and allows them to make the appropriate distinctions and then explore further.
There are many ways to encourage real experiences during the holiday season. Children who participate in Halloween can dress up in costumes that reflect real things, like a fireman, policeman, a chef, a veterinarian, a doctor, or any kind of animal, as a few examples. Fall can be celebrated by raking and playing in leaves, baking with pumpkins and apples, and exploring farms. Families that celebrate Thanksgiving can encourage children to participate in cooking and preparing the food. Children at this age can help cut food, stir, pour, help set the table, and decorate. Presents for holidays like Christmas and Chanukah can be for real things: musical instruments, child size cooking utensils, arts and crafts projects/materials, puzzles, blocks/legos, to name just a few ideas. For children who celebrate Christmas, discipline can continue the way it has during the rest of the year, rather than focus on how Santa or the Elf on the Shelf view behavior.
Encouraging real experiences during the first plane of development (ages 0-6) can really help a child develop a fundamental understanding of the world around them. Children enjoy participating in real life family experiences, such as cooking. Children deeply enjoy imitating occupations and activities of adults, and most often, this is what informs their very important act of fantasy play.
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
Managing Interruptions
Children can learn from a very young age how to wait their turn when others are talking. From a Montessori perspective, this is a lesson of Grace and Courtesy. In the classroom, we demonstrate to young children that it's important to wait their turn and let others finish before talking. We show the child how to signify that they would like to talk without actually interrupting those who are talking. This allows the child to make their presence known (and validate the importance of their desire to communicate) while letting others finish.
If your child begins to interrupt verbally, gently guide her hand to your shoulder (or hip if you are standing) and gesture for her to wait with a signal. The first time, you can inform your child that you are talking (or doing something) and that you need her to wait for a moment; let her know that placing her hand on your shoulder or hip will signal that she needs something and will wait for your attention. Explain this the first time, but afterwards, simply gently guide her hand or tap your shoulder/hip to indicate what she needs to do.
After some time practicing and experiencing this, your child will begin to use this technique more successfully and wait for longer periods of time (you can stretch this out by responding more quickly the first few times and then having your child wait for longer periods as they become more able to wait). Each time your child interrupts vocally, simple remind your child again by guiding his hand or tapping on your shoulder/hip to remind him what to do. You can encourage your child to do this whenever he would like to talk to you and you look occupied.
Toddlers can be shown this as well, though it may take a lot more time and patience. Keep wait times short and respond fairly quickly. This will take a lot of repetition (of demonstration) and will be dependent on your child's verbal skills, but it is something you can introduce.
If your child begins to interrupt verbally, gently guide her hand to your shoulder (or hip if you are standing) and gesture for her to wait with a signal. The first time, you can inform your child that you are talking (or doing something) and that you need her to wait for a moment; let her know that placing her hand on your shoulder or hip will signal that she needs something and will wait for your attention. Explain this the first time, but afterwards, simply gently guide her hand or tap your shoulder/hip to indicate what she needs to do.
After some time practicing and experiencing this, your child will begin to use this technique more successfully and wait for longer periods of time (you can stretch this out by responding more quickly the first few times and then having your child wait for longer periods as they become more able to wait). Each time your child interrupts vocally, simple remind your child again by guiding his hand or tapping on your shoulder/hip to remind him what to do. You can encourage your child to do this whenever he would like to talk to you and you look occupied.
Toddlers can be shown this as well, though it may take a lot more time and patience. Keep wait times short and respond fairly quickly. This will take a lot of repetition (of demonstration) and will be dependent on your child's verbal skills, but it is something you can introduce.
How to Avoid Using Food As Reward or Punishment
Promising or withholding dessert is not an uncommon parenting technique, and while it has the likelihood to work in the immediate circumstances, it will also likely send a long-term detrimental message to your child.
First, let's look at "bribing" children for behavior in general (giving them something for doing something). When children are rewarded extrinsically for good behavior, they learn to expect rewards for that good behavior. In other words, making the right choices becomes unimportant, rather the focus becomes on what do I get if I do that? Parenting through rewards can set up your child to expect rewards for appropriate behavior rather than making choices because they are the better or more acceptable choices; the motivation shifts from becoming internal to external. Bribing can often send the message that there is no intrinsic value to the behavior you are asking for; there's no good reason to do it so something else must be needed.
Bribery may give you short term results, but in the long run, it weakens a child's ability to learn to make good choices and what the value is in those choices by making your child dependent on external controls. For example, bribing a child to eat vegetables shifts their mindset to get a sweet, thus devaluing the importance of vegetables in your child's health and losing the opportunity to teach your child about healthy food choices. Bribing your child to pick up her toys may result in her picking up her toys, but it also sets her up for only choosing to pick up her toys when rewarded rather than developing the habit of picking up toys because that is what is expected of her as a family community member. Bribes fail to teach children respect and responsibility. Long term messages are more important than quick fixes.
Bribery with food (and punishment with food) can be especially detrimental to children. With a raging obesity epidemic in the United States, particularly amongst children, learning to make healthy food choices is extremely important for young children. Studies have shown that children who experience food rewards and punishments grow up to become adults who are more likely to need "diets" to regulate their eating behavior and have a tendency to binge eat. Kids who receive food rewards become adults who seek food rewards and have a harder time regulating their own dietary behaviors in a healthy manner. These adults are more likely to make unhealthy eating choices when they feel stressed or that they've worked hard, often creating long-term dietary and weight issues that often affect self-esteem and happiness. At this point in a child's life, emphasis on food should be focused towards developing healthy eating patterns and making healthy food choices. Food is better detached from all other concepts other than nourishing our bodies.
So, if we shouldn't bribe or reward/punish with food, what can we do? When it comes to something like making healthy food choices (such as eating more vegetables), we can lead by example. Children try to imitate the adults they grow around and trust. Genuine enthusiasm for healthy food at home and school translates into an environment that is supportive for development of good eating habits. Tell children how the vegetables will make them stronger and healthier and use specifics to those vegetables (e.g. carrots have beta carotene that helps us see better or broccoli has lots of calcium that makes our bones stronger so we can jump higher and run faster). Include children in cooking the vegetables; children who participate in making a meal are more likely to eat those foods. Explore new recipes and find a way that your child enjoys the vegetable. Some children prefer vegetables in a sauce or mixed with other foods, some children prefer certain vegetables cooked less; helping your child find a way to like a vegetable can encourage your child to explore ways to be healthy while enjoying it. When it comes to dessert, it's best to keep it a surprise that doesn't come at the end of every meal with expectation. Or give children desserts separately from meals. Also, keep desserts healthy and talk about healthy versus unhealthy desserts.
For non-food related behaviors, focus on dealing with the behavior directly. If your child is not cleaning something up, look for reasons why. If your child is distracted because he has chosen to move onto something else, remove the something else temporarily until the behavior is completed (e.g. "you may continue playing with this, watching this, etc. when you have put your toys away.") Consequences work best when they are directly related to the task at hand.
Look to see if your child may be overwhelmed with the task and offer help (e.g. "I can see there are a lot of toys here and that's overwhelming; I will help you clean this up but we need to do it together"). Often times, assistance works far better than consequences. Alternatively, make piles that your child can put away (when things are spread all over the place it is more likely for your child to feel unable to complete a task). Find ways to motivate your child through tasks that focus on responsibility and prepare them for those responsibilities by explaining to them that they will need to put something away by a certain time, etc., in advance. Children follow through better when prepared.
Finally, give your children choices when trying to encourage behavior. Do not change the requirement, but find ways in which your child can have some control as well. Let your child choose which vegetable she wants for dinner tonight. Let your child make decisions about your decision (e.g. your child may need to wear a coat but he can choose which coat, or your child must put away the toys but he can choose to do that before or after dinner). Giving choices helps children develop self-discipline which ultimately leads to making better choices and happier life-styles.
First, let's look at "bribing" children for behavior in general (giving them something for doing something). When children are rewarded extrinsically for good behavior, they learn to expect rewards for that good behavior. In other words, making the right choices becomes unimportant, rather the focus becomes on what do I get if I do that? Parenting through rewards can set up your child to expect rewards for appropriate behavior rather than making choices because they are the better or more acceptable choices; the motivation shifts from becoming internal to external. Bribing can often send the message that there is no intrinsic value to the behavior you are asking for; there's no good reason to do it so something else must be needed.
Bribery may give you short term results, but in the long run, it weakens a child's ability to learn to make good choices and what the value is in those choices by making your child dependent on external controls. For example, bribing a child to eat vegetables shifts their mindset to get a sweet, thus devaluing the importance of vegetables in your child's health and losing the opportunity to teach your child about healthy food choices. Bribing your child to pick up her toys may result in her picking up her toys, but it also sets her up for only choosing to pick up her toys when rewarded rather than developing the habit of picking up toys because that is what is expected of her as a family community member. Bribes fail to teach children respect and responsibility. Long term messages are more important than quick fixes.
Bribery with food (and punishment with food) can be especially detrimental to children. With a raging obesity epidemic in the United States, particularly amongst children, learning to make healthy food choices is extremely important for young children. Studies have shown that children who experience food rewards and punishments grow up to become adults who are more likely to need "diets" to regulate their eating behavior and have a tendency to binge eat. Kids who receive food rewards become adults who seek food rewards and have a harder time regulating their own dietary behaviors in a healthy manner. These adults are more likely to make unhealthy eating choices when they feel stressed or that they've worked hard, often creating long-term dietary and weight issues that often affect self-esteem and happiness. At this point in a child's life, emphasis on food should be focused towards developing healthy eating patterns and making healthy food choices. Food is better detached from all other concepts other than nourishing our bodies.
So, if we shouldn't bribe or reward/punish with food, what can we do? When it comes to something like making healthy food choices (such as eating more vegetables), we can lead by example. Children try to imitate the adults they grow around and trust. Genuine enthusiasm for healthy food at home and school translates into an environment that is supportive for development of good eating habits. Tell children how the vegetables will make them stronger and healthier and use specifics to those vegetables (e.g. carrots have beta carotene that helps us see better or broccoli has lots of calcium that makes our bones stronger so we can jump higher and run faster). Include children in cooking the vegetables; children who participate in making a meal are more likely to eat those foods. Explore new recipes and find a way that your child enjoys the vegetable. Some children prefer vegetables in a sauce or mixed with other foods, some children prefer certain vegetables cooked less; helping your child find a way to like a vegetable can encourage your child to explore ways to be healthy while enjoying it. When it comes to dessert, it's best to keep it a surprise that doesn't come at the end of every meal with expectation. Or give children desserts separately from meals. Also, keep desserts healthy and talk about healthy versus unhealthy desserts.
For non-food related behaviors, focus on dealing with the behavior directly. If your child is not cleaning something up, look for reasons why. If your child is distracted because he has chosen to move onto something else, remove the something else temporarily until the behavior is completed (e.g. "you may continue playing with this, watching this, etc. when you have put your toys away.") Consequences work best when they are directly related to the task at hand.
Look to see if your child may be overwhelmed with the task and offer help (e.g. "I can see there are a lot of toys here and that's overwhelming; I will help you clean this up but we need to do it together"). Often times, assistance works far better than consequences. Alternatively, make piles that your child can put away (when things are spread all over the place it is more likely for your child to feel unable to complete a task). Find ways to motivate your child through tasks that focus on responsibility and prepare them for those responsibilities by explaining to them that they will need to put something away by a certain time, etc., in advance. Children follow through better when prepared.
Finally, give your children choices when trying to encourage behavior. Do not change the requirement, but find ways in which your child can have some control as well. Let your child choose which vegetable she wants for dinner tonight. Let your child make decisions about your decision (e.g. your child may need to wear a coat but he can choose which coat, or your child must put away the toys but he can choose to do that before or after dinner). Giving choices helps children develop self-discipline which ultimately leads to making better choices and happier life-styles.
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