Another wonderful Conversation At Fiore this past Friday brought about a very important concept involved with learning to understand our children's behaviors: our children's intent.
Often, we see a behavior in our child that we seek to understand or even change. However, we can only guide a behavior in the appropriate direction when we know why that behavior is occurring. We must interpret the intentions of our children in order to do so. It is not unusual for adults to wonder (or suggest) if a child's intentions are those of manipulation or control. But, often, these kinds of intentions require more complex or abstract developmental thoughts than young children are capable of. These assumptions of intent can often have more to do with the adult's experiences of the situation than the child's. Adults can feel manipulated or in a struggle for control, but often times they are missing the perspective of the child's development.
Our greatest challenge is to look at our child and always assume positive intentions. This is even more important with children in the first plane of development, meaning children under the age of six. Children at this age are deeply in the process of developing themselves, particularly their foundational skills (coordinating movements, language, and understanding the basics of social interactions). At the age of three, a child is only beginning to understand the concepts of empathy and "self." In order for children to understand the basic fundamentals of their environment, they have been given certain innate drives in order to stimulate learning and coordinate thoughts. It is most often these drives that are the root intention of most children's behaviors.
Order. The need for order is essential in the first plane of development, particularly between the ages of 18 months and four years (but can be strong and still noticeable before and after this period of time). Children need order to understand their environment, order in the sense of things being predictable and consistent. Children sensitive to their mind's need for order can become frustrated when that order comes undone. Something as simple as at item not being in the same place or more complex as in a changed schedule or unanticipated event can make many children extremely upset. If your child is showing a behavior that involves emotions of frustration or anger, it is often related to the child's sensitivity to order. Looking to see if your child's environment or routine has been thrown off can help you remedy the child's frustration or be more sensitive to your child's experience through unanticipated transitions.
Interest. A child's learning is driven by interest. Children are drawn to things that they wish to learn more about or experience. An activity like dumping water on the floor can be an exercise in trying to learn more about the properties of water or trying to coordinate the muscles to turn the container. The child does not see the mess or result, but merely absorbs the experience of the activity. If a child's interest draws the child into behaviors that are unacceptable, learning to notice the interest can greatly help redirect the child to more appropriate actions.
Sensory or Biological Sensitivity. Children have extremely sensitive sensory organs. They feel, hear, see, and smell much more strongly than we do. Some children can be frustrated by a feeling while others may be drawn to a feeling. These avoidances or enticements can direct much of their behaviors. Other children can be experiencing some form of biological discomfort, whether they are sick, tired, or any number of other medical experiences. These can often affect a child's behaviors and make them do things in ways we fail to understand.
Attention. Children need attention and they learn from us what will bring that attention. A child who consistently chooses negative behaviors because those are the ones that draw attention may be in need of more positive-oritented attention. A child with a new sibling who is in need of attention may replicate the infant's behaviors because the child notices that those behaviors draw attention. This is not manipulation so much as a very basic understanding of cause and effect on the part of the child. Children cannot communicate their need for attention so instead they seek to draw that attention with behavior.
There are many reasons why children initiate certain behaviors. Assuming positive intent can help us be more patient with them which helps us guide their behaviors in the most effective manner. In the same way that adults wish for others to assume that their mistakes were made with the best of intentions, the young child benefits most when we trust their intentions to be based on their need for development and stimulation rather than control or manipulation.
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