Managing Interruptions

Children can learn from a very young age how to wait their turn when others are talking.  From a Montessori perspective, this is a lesson of Grace and Courtesy.  In the classroom, we demonstrate to young children that it's important to wait their turn and let others finish before talking.  We show the child how to signify that they would like to talk without actually interrupting those who are talking. This allows the child to make their presence known (and validate the importance of their desire to communicate) while letting others finish.

If your child begins to interrupt verbally, gently guide her hand to your shoulder (or hip if you are standing) and gesture for her to wait with a signal. The first time, you can inform your child that you are talking (or doing something) and that you need her to wait for a moment; let her know that placing her hand on your shoulder or hip will signal that she needs something and will wait for your attention.  Explain this the first time, but afterwards, simply gently guide her hand or tap your shoulder/hip to indicate what she needs to do.

After some time practicing and experiencing this, your child will begin to use this technique more successfully and wait for longer periods of time (you can stretch this out by responding more quickly the first few times and then having your child wait for longer periods as they become more able to wait).  Each time your child interrupts vocally, simple remind your child again by guiding his hand or tapping on your shoulder/hip to remind him what to do.  You can encourage your child to do this whenever he would like to talk to you and you look occupied.

Toddlers can be shown this as well, though it may take a lot more time and patience.  Keep wait times short and respond fairly quickly.  This will take a lot of repetition (of demonstration) and will be dependent on your child's verbal skills, but it is something you can introduce.

How to Avoid Using Food As Reward or Punishment

Promising or withholding dessert is not an uncommon parenting technique, and while it has the likelihood to work in the immediate circumstances, it will also likely send a long-term detrimental message to your child.

First, let's look at "bribing" children for behavior in general (giving them something for doing something).  When children are rewarded extrinsically for good behavior, they learn to expect rewards for that good behavior.  In other words, making the right choices becomes unimportant, rather the focus becomes on what do I get if I do that?  Parenting through rewards can set up your child to expect rewards for appropriate behavior rather than making choices because they are the better or more acceptable choices; the motivation shifts from becoming internal to external.  Bribing can often send the message that there is no intrinsic value to the behavior you are asking for; there's no good reason to do it so something else must be needed.

Bribery may give you short term results, but in the long run, it weakens a child's ability to learn to make good choices and what the value is in those choices by making your child dependent on external controls.  For example, bribing a child to eat vegetables shifts their mindset to get a sweet, thus devaluing the importance of vegetables in your child's health and losing the opportunity to teach your child about healthy food choices.  Bribing your child to pick up her toys may result in her picking up her toys, but it also sets her up for only choosing to pick up her toys when rewarded rather than developing the habit of picking up toys because that is what is expected of her as a family community member.  Bribes fail to teach children respect and responsibility.  Long term messages are more important than quick fixes.

Bribery with food (and punishment with food) can be especially detrimental to children.  With a raging obesity epidemic in the United States, particularly amongst children, learning to make healthy food choices is extremely important for young children. Studies have shown that children who experience food rewards and punishments grow up to become adults who are more likely to need "diets" to regulate their eating behavior and have a tendency to binge eat.  Kids who receive food rewards become adults who seek food rewards and have a harder time regulating their own dietary behaviors in a healthy manner. These adults are more likely to make unhealthy eating choices when they feel stressed or that they've worked hard, often creating long-term dietary and weight issues that often affect self-esteem and happiness.  At this point in a child's life, emphasis on food should be focused towards developing healthy eating patterns and making healthy food choices.  Food is better detached from all other concepts other than nourishing our bodies.

So, if we shouldn't bribe or reward/punish with food, what can we do?  When it comes to something like making healthy food choices (such as eating more vegetables), we can lead by example. Children try to imitate the adults they grow around and trust. Genuine enthusiasm for healthy food at home and school translates into an environment that is supportive for development of good eating habits. Tell children how the vegetables will make them stronger and healthier and use specifics to those vegetables (e.g. carrots have beta carotene that helps us see better or broccoli has lots of calcium that makes our bones stronger so we can jump higher and run faster). Include children in cooking the vegetables; children who participate in making a meal are more likely to eat those foods. Explore new recipes and find a way that your child enjoys the vegetable.  Some children prefer vegetables in a sauce or mixed with other foods, some children prefer certain vegetables cooked less; helping your child find a way to like a vegetable can encourage your child to explore ways to be healthy while enjoying it.  When it comes to dessert, it's best to keep it a surprise that doesn't come at the end of every meal with expectation. Or give children desserts separately from meals. Also, keep desserts healthy and talk about healthy versus unhealthy desserts.

For non-food related behaviors, focus on dealing with the behavior directly.  If your child is not cleaning something up, look for reasons why.  If your child is distracted because he has chosen to move onto something else, remove the something else temporarily until the behavior is completed (e.g. "you may continue playing with this, watching this, etc. when you have put your toys away.")  Consequences work best when they are directly related to the task at hand.

Look to see if your child may be overwhelmed with the task and offer help (e.g. "I can see there are a lot of toys here and that's overwhelming; I will help you clean this up but we need to do it together").  Often times, assistance works far better than consequences.  Alternatively, make piles that your child can put away (when things are spread all over the place it is more likely for your child to feel unable to complete a task).  Find ways to motivate your child through tasks that focus on responsibility and prepare them for those responsibilities by explaining to them that they will need to put something away by a certain time, etc., in advance.  Children follow through better when prepared.

Finally, give your children choices when trying to encourage behavior.  Do not change the requirement, but find ways in which your child can have some control as well.  Let your child choose which vegetable she wants for dinner tonight.  Let your child make decisions about your decision (e.g. your child may need to wear a coat but he can choose which coat, or your child must put away the toys but he can choose to do that before or after dinner).  Giving choices helps children develop self-discipline which ultimately leads to making better choices and happier life-styles.

Ways To Communicate With Your Child

The purpose of communication is to coordinate action and build trust in the process. When we apply this to the child, unless our communication accomplishes both (communicating the action clearly and building trust with the child), its purpose is incomplete and outcomes may be unintended.


Studies have reported that the average one-year-old child hears the word “no” more than 400 times a day! One study estimates that the average child hears the word “no” or “don't” over 148,000 times while growing up, compared with just a few thousand yes messages.  It is very common for children to hear negative messages more frequently than positive messages, as many of us were raised with “no” messages ourselves.

The conflict that arises when using the word “no,” is that it fails to provide the information that children need.  Communication between parent and child is often geared towards helping a child make appropriate choices.  Telling a child what NOT TO do does not communicate what the child SHOULD do.  For example, saying “don’t run” tells the child they may not do the behavior that they have chosen, but we have not told them what behavior they should choose.  Do they skip?  Do they bounce?  What do we want from them?  “Please walk,” on the other hand, communicates to the child both the expected behavior and the unacceptable behavior.  Calmly taking them by the hand and showing them how to walk with can further demonstrate the desired behavior.  By conscientiously framing words in a solely positive manner, parents can avoid the frustrating scenario of endless tellingly children what not to do while children can learn what it is that they are allowed to be doing.

Positive communication focuses on respect for the child and involves both speaking and listening. Communication is what we say and how we say it.  Positive communication leads to nurturing relationships, cooperation, and feelings of worth.  It helps young children develop confidence and good relationships with others.  Poor communication can lead to kids who “turn off” adults, conflicts and bickering, and feelings of worthlessness.

Ways to develop positive communication include:

Get your child’s attention before speaking.  Most children can only concentrate on one thing at a time.  Looking directly at your child and calling their name, touching them gently, and giving your child time to look at you will ensure that contact is made and your child is hearing you.

Communicate on the same level as your child.  Stoop down to your child’s eye level, it is difficult for children to make eye contact with you when you stand tall above them.  A standing adult can be intimidating; an adult on his/her level is someone your child can communicate with.

Speak as if you mean it.  A firm, but gentle, tone works far better than an angry or pleading tone.  Tell your child what you want him/her to do and why.  Why is always important because if you have a good reason for the behavior, your child should know what it is (as well as you).  This will help him/her understand what the need for the behavior is.  Give clear, consistent instructions that do not involve emotion or judgment but rather tell the child what you expect.  Remember that body language is important, it will show that you are serious even more than your words.  Remember to be firm rather than angry.

Say "please," "thank you," "you’re welcome," and "I’m sorry" to your child.  Modeling appropriate behavior is a far better way to achieve the desired behavior in children, and we all want our children to learn those words.  Hearing these words from you will attach far more meaning to them than just telling your children to say them.  Remember, children deserve the same courtesies that adults do.

Make requests simple.  The number of requests will affect your child’s ability to both understand and comply with your desires.  Often, your child only really hears the last thing you say, so if you are giving a string of commands, you may find that your child can only comply with the last one in your list.  Make sure requests are short, clear, and consistent.  If your child is still learning to follow multiple steps given at once, allow them to complete one task before you give them the next.  For example, asking your child to collect his/her shoes, jacket, and lunchbox, may be too many commands.  Allow your child to collect one, ask him to collect the next, wait again, and then ask him to collect the third.

Use “do’s” rather than “don’ts.”  Tell children what they should do rather than what they should not do.  Children respond more quickly to positive directions than negative ones.  It gives them a new task rather than place them in a situation where they have to guess at what they should (or could) do instead.

Allow children to make choices.  While a behavior may not be acceptable, give them options of other behaviors that are so they have some control over their actions.  For example, “you may not touch that, but you may touch this or this.”  Coming up with multiple options of appropriate behavior will help your child to want to change behaviors and feel more confident in doing so.

Talk with, not at, children.  Listen to your child and find out what might have prompted their behavior or what their desires are.  Your child will be far more interested in what you have to say if you are interested in what he has to say.  Never talk with your child when you are not able to be fully attentive.  If you are busy with something else, let your child know and that you will talk later.  Share your feelings and accept and validate your child’s.  Be careful, however, not to engage in too much conversation if your child is throwing a tantrum or screaming and crying.  Allow your child calm down before talking, and never negotiate unacceptable behaviors.  Children need to know that once a behavior enters the category of unacceptable, it is always unacceptable with no exceptions.  Instead, offer alternatives.

Use kind words and actions to support your child.  Kind, supportive, and nurturing words help children know they are loved no matter what actions they have chosen and lead to positive self-esteem.  Unkind words make children feel bad about themselves and insecure.  Affection is an effective part of communication and comforting your child is a powerful part of the process.

Be patient.  Children need time to be able to follow through with instructions or sort through their emotions and calm down.  They can only be successful if we are patient with them.

ACTIVITY:  Pick a day and record how many times you say “no,” “stop,” “don’t,” “quit,” or “you know better” (etc.).  Think about ways to replace these words with positive statements and write them down to remind yourself in the future.

A FEW EXAMPLES:

INSTEAD OF,                                                    YOU CAN SAY

Don’t run                                                             Please walk

Don’t                                                                   Stop (then give replacement behavior options)

Don’t scream                                                       I understand you are upset and you may cry, but you
                                                                                 may not scream because it hurts my ears

Don’t jump on the bed                                        Please get off the bed and choose a game on the
                                                                                  floor….or… the bed is for sleeping, you may jump
                                                                                  on the ground

No hitting                                                            Your hands need to be gentle or you will hurt someone
                                                                                  and that is not allowed (demonstrate gentle hands)

No yelling                                                           You need to use a quiet inside voice, can you show me
                                                                                  your quiet voice?

No fighting with your sibling                              You may choose to play without fighting or you may
                                                                                  choose to play alone

Don’t cry                                                             I know that you are sad, and that’s okay, but I cannot
                                                                                  understand you when you are crying, let’s calm  
                                                                                  down and talk (demonstrating deep breaths work
                                                                                  well here)

You know better                                                  Do you remember what the rule is? Tell me. I can see
                                                                                  that you remember so please follow the rule.

Look what you made your sister do.                   Your sister wants to do the things you do and we need
                                                                                  to keep her safe. Please show her the proper way to
                                                                                  do things and help us teach her.


Remember:  If you are not completely honest, children feel it.  If you try to smooth things over, children know it.  If you speak in hushed tones, children wonder what’s wrong.  If your words don’t match your facial expressions, children feel a lack on congruence and may become unsure of what you are trying to say.  Discipline is not about a battle, but rather helping children making appropriate choices.  Helping them make these choices can always be done in a positive and cooperative manner, making both of you feel more positive about each other.

When Your Child Doesn't Want To Go To School...

At some point during the school year, many children make the same complaint: "I don't want to go to school today."  It may start at the beginning of the year, it may start during the middle of the year, or it may happen at different intervals throughout the year.  Children may show school refusal by not wanting to leave parents, complain of sickness, or struggle following a morning routine.  Usually, the impact on parents is the same: frustration, worry, and stress.  Worries about what could be happening at school arise: is my child having problems; is my child making friends; does my child like the school?   How do I make my child happy???

While parents often fear that a child's resistance to going to school is an indicator of a larger problem (which, occasionally, it can be), it's also important to remember that resistance to school, particularly at the preschool age, is actually developmentally appropriate.  Some children have temperaments that make them more prone to anxiety and frustration when faced with challenges, while other children may handle these challenges more easily.  School refusal is neither abnormal nor a behavioral problem, but rather a logical expression to the child for his frustrations.  Children at this age are making transitions from dependence to independence, and those transitions can be easier some days than others.    The desire to learn and interact with friends can conflict with the desire to be with one's parents and this struggle can frustrate young children.  Sometimes children end up feeling overwhelmed by the things they tackle each day, just as adults do, but they lack the ability to properly communicate exactly what they are overwhelmed by.  "I don't want to go to school," is a communication, but there may be many interpretations to this statement and truths behind it.

If your child is having a hard time going to school, here are some steps to follow and things to remember:

Make sure your child continues to go to school.  If your child stops going to school, it will be that much harder for your child to start again.  By continuing to ensure that your child attends school while you work out this problem together, you express confidence that school is a safe and positive place.  Only if you suspect an actual illness should you consider keeping your child home.

Identify the problem, if there is one.  In most cases, a child not wanting to go to school is not necessarily an indicator of a major problem, but it can be, so it is important to investigate a little.  Lack of sleep or illness can often affect children, so it is important to look and see if either of these things are bothering your child.  Still, some children may express symptoms of illness when it turns out they are actually feeling anxiety towards school.  Those symptoms may be real to your child but not the result of an actual illness.  If your child gets suddenly better when not at school, chances are it's not actual illness (this doesn't mean your child doesn't actually feel the symptoms; stress can cause headaches or stomachaches that alleviate when the stresser is gone).  If you think something may be upsetting your child or your child is afraid of something, ask non-leading questions to discover the root of the frustration (putting words in your child's mouth like "are you bored?" or "do you not like your school?" will not get you to an honest answer).  Questions like "if you could make school any way you wanted, what would it look like?" or "what would you to do make recess the best way it could be?"or "if you could change anything about school, what would you change?" can get you much more accurate and informative information.

Speak with Teachers.  Your child's teachers observe and work with your child all day long.  They can certainly help you with clues as to what might be affecting your child, and it's important for them to know how your child is feeling as well so that they may make any necessary changes.  Collaboration between teachers and parents is often the best way to help a child begin to resolve a frustration or problem.

Encourage problem solving and conflict resolution skills.   In the same way that children of preschool age have difficulty communicating with a limited vocabulary, they also have limited problem solving and conflict resolution skills. Children may come into conflict with a friend or be frustrated with a challenge and not know how to resolve it. Their solution may simply be to avoid it altogether, not knowing any other way to go about resolving the issue. If, through talking with your child, you discover an issue that needs to be tackled, help your child think of ways to tackle it and come up with solutions. Helping children learn to identify and solve their own problems (with guidance), rather than trying to solve the problems for them, gives them the skills to solve future problems and helps them approach challenges positively.

A FEW CASE EXAMPLES

Johnny, age 4, does not want to go to school this morning.  He complains of a stomachache.  He has complained of the same stomachache for the past two weeks and only on school mornings.  His mother worries that he may have an illness and takes him to the pediatrician and watches him carefully, making sure he gets rest and fluids, but no illness appears and a pattern emerges that Johnny only feels sick on school mornings.  Worried, Johnny's mother speaks with Johnny's teacher.  Johnny's teacher observes that his behavior has not changed at school and he still enjoys playing with his friends and doing work.  She and Johnny's mother begin to investigate by asking Johnny non-leading questions when he is at home or at school.  Johnny's teacher observes that Johnny shows signs of anxiety she has not seen before during a classroom birthday when candles are lit.  After some questions about the candles at home, Johnny shares with his mother that he is worried about the fire alarm and that the school will go up in flames.  The first sounded fire drill had occurred a few weeks ago.  He worries about the fire and the loudness of the alarm and he does not know when it will go off.  Johnny's mother also begins to observe that Johnny is upset when the oven is on at home.  Johnny's mother reports this to Johnny's teacher and, along with Johnny, they make a plan.  Johnny's teacher promises to inform him before a practice drill and let him know if there will be one that day first thing in the morning so they can be prepared together.  Johnny's mother places earmuffs in his backpack so if a fire drill is set for that day he can be prepared to wear them and muffle the sound.  Johnny's teacher reads a book and talks with the class about fire safety and shows the children all the ways in which the classroom is safe and protected from fire.  At home, Johnny's mother talks with Johnny and his family about fire safety, how their house is safe, and helps assuage his fears by showing him there are plans of action if something did happen but that it is unlikely to happen.  After a week, Johnny stops complaining of a stomachache in the morning.

Martin, age 5, does not want to go to school anymore.  He complains that he does not like school.  After some non-leading questions, Martin's mother discovers that he does not like school because he has no friends.  Martin's mother expresses concern to Martin's teacher that he's not developing friendships.  Martin's teacher is surprised because Martin is one of the most popular kids in the classroom, and everyone wants to work with him, sit with him, and play with him.  Martin's teacher begins to ask Martin more non-leading questions during the school day and discovers that Martin feels like he has no friends.  Martin's teacher points out all of his friends to him and Martin expresses "yes, but they never want to play what I want to play, they don't do what I tell them."  Martin's frustration lies in that he cannot navigate his social relationships in the way he wants, so he concludes that he has no friends.  Martin's teacher shares this information with his mother and they both begin to discuss friendships with Martin and help him find ways to work with his friends while also understanding that just because friends differ in opinions does not mean they are not friends anymore.  Shortly after, Martin no longer expresses a dislike for school.

Louis, age 5, does not want to go to school.  He hasn't really wanted to go to school from the start; it is a new classroom to him as they had recently moved.  His twin brother, on the other hand, loves school and they are in the same classroom.  After a few months, Louis' mother becomes very concerned that she has made the wrong choice for Louis.  She expresses these concerns to his teacher.  At school, Louis' teacher has observed that he is fairly disconnected from the classroom.  His temperament, much different to his brother's, is slow to warm and he seems very distant.  Louis' teacher notices that he is very connected to the adults in his life and wonders if he needs a stronger adult connection at school.  She and his other teachers embark on a mission to bond with Louis.  Every attempt she makes, at helping him learn or engaging in play on the playground, does not make a difference.  One day, not having tried this since she was worried he would not like it, she gives him a few gentle hugs.  Miraculously, the next morning, his mother is astounded: "he wanted to come to school today!"  It took some time, but Louis' teacher discovered that he needed affection from adults to feel connected even though he could not express that.  Together, mom and teacher were able to solve Louis' frustration with careful observation and a little ingenuity.

Not all scenarios have an exact problem like the ones above, however.  Sometimes children's frustrations are about friends or fears.  Others may just be overwhelmed or at a place where they need to feel closer to parents or more dependent.  In these cases, a parent's positivity, confidence, and support are essential.

Make sure your child is getting down time.  All children, but especially young children, need time for their brains to rest.  So many things are learned during the school hours that it is important for your child's brain to have that rest time after school.  If your child is heavily scheduled and not getting that rest time, he may seek that rest during school hours.

Show an interest in school and learning.  When parents express a genuine interest in what children are learning, children are more confident and excited about learning and school.  This does not necessarily have to be specifically about what your child learned at school, any interest in their interests and a desire to continue learning together will best emphasize this.  If they cannot share something they learned during the day, notice when they share or do something new they have learned and ask them to teach you about it.  Approach problems together and work out ways to solve them.  If your child shows an interest in the birds outside, find a book and learn the names together.  If your child likes to build, build together and look at books to find different ways to build.  If your child likes trains, learn the names of the parts of the train together.  Showing your child that you enjoy learning and making attempts to learn with your child will help your child develop an appreciation for the activities of the school day.

Support and accept emotions.  The hardest thing for a parent can be to see your child upset or unhappy.  However, these are realities of life.  All humans are faced with challenges that may frustrate or upset us, but it is our attitude and ability to overcome that creates a state of happiness.  Allowing your child to express frustration, dislike, or fear, helps your child connect with and understand these emotions.  From this understanding, that these are not bad or wrong emotions, your child can then move forward to focusing on ways to manage those emotions effectively and securely.

Let us wait, and be always ready to share in both the joys 

and the difficulties which the child experiences.

-  Dr. Maria Montessori

Social Development: Conflict Resolution

Both peer and sibling relationships can be fraught with situations of conflict.  As stated earlier, this is usually a result of emerging and developing skills of conflict resolution, socialization, and language expression, which children have not yet learned how to use  when solving problems.  Dealing with aggression, hitting, arguing, yelling, and general frustration is as much about modeling appropriate behavior as it is about giving children conflict resolution skills.  When we help children learn how to deal with their frustrations and conflicts appropriately, we can see a reduction in instances that end in violence or anger, and an increase in instances that end in sharing or understanding.  When a situation ends in inappropriate actions, it’s best to think about how this could have been resolved differently and guide children through that process.  Hitting, especially, is most often about not knowing how to handle a conflict and reaching a sense of ultimate frustration, and usually not a child trying to actively hurt another child.

Ways to support your children’s developing conflict resolution skills:

The Peace Rose.  Preparing the environment to handle conflicts is the best way to support resolution skills.  Have a place where conflict resolution can occur.  When children become used to finding a place at home, they may learn to create a place outside a home (like a park bench at the playground).  The “Peace Rose” is a rose set in a vase on a table where children can go to sit and resolve conflicts.  The children take turns discussing what happened by passing the rose back and forth.  Often, they work things out easily once they can express what they are thinking.  The Peace Rose can be any object you choose in the home, but it should facilitate children taking turns to talk.  Using a silk rose and reading The Peace Rose (a book you can find at www.montessoriservices.com), can be a good way to implement this practice.  Demonstrate to your children where the peace object is and how to use it, and let them implement it when they need to.  Direct them to the peace object when they are fighting.

Give children language.  When you talk with children about a conflict, discuss what they could have said, what they felt, and give them exact language for the next time this conflict occurs.  Children may need to learn to tell someone to “stop” (young children who hit often don’t know how to verbal stop another child’s actions).  Other children may also need to learn to stop when asked by another child (emphasizing that you have to listen to someone’s words).

Do not assign blame or punishment.  Conflict resolution is about just that: resolving.  It’s not about who was wrong or who was right.  It’s about helping children resolve their differences in the hopes that they will not need you to help them do it in the future.  Avoid accusatory language like “what did you do?” and instead focusing on gathering facts by asking “what happened?”  Ask “how did that make you feel?” or “how did that make your friend/brother/sister feel?”

Encourage reparations rather than forcing “sorry.”  Sorry is a very big word for a child and when we only teach children to say it, it does not mean they learn to feel it.  If one child has hurt another, ask how that child plans to make amends or what he can do to make the other child feel better.  Have the other child say what will make him or her feel better.  Then, the child must follow through on whatever that is: a kiss, a hug, an icepack, etc.  Teach children “sorry” by modeling the use of the word rather than making them say it.  

Social Development: Sibling Relationships

For many children, the first social relationship they develop is with a brother or sister.  The sibling relationship is likely to last longer than any other relationship in one’s lifetime and plays an integral part in the lives of families.  Siblings have a tremendous positive impact upon each other’s development of socialization.  Characteristically, unlike many tentative peer relationships, sibling interactions are emotionally charged relationships defined by strong, uninhibited emotions (of a positive, negative and sometimes ambivalent quality), and intimacy.  As youngsters spend large amounts of time playing together, they know each other very well.  This long history and intimate knowledge translates into opportunities for providing emotional and instrumental support for one another: engaging in play, conflict, problem solving, sharing of ideas, and understanding others’ points of view. In addition, the age difference between siblings often makes the issues of power, control and rivalry a source of contention for children (Sibling Relations and Their Impact on Children’s Development, Howe and Recchia, 2006).

With the nature of the intimate, emotionally charged, and often conflicting relationship between siblings, parenting both children can be wrought with challenges.  Siblings of different ages and personalities may not understand when they are treated differently.  They engage more often with each other and so may enter into more conflicts.  Lacking conflict resolution skills, these conflicts may end in hurt feelings, hitting, and overall frustration.  At other times, siblings may show each other deep affection, collaboration, and support.  All of these behaviors are very normal and typical to the sibling relationship; a relationship that is in many ways personal to the children.

Sibling conflict or "rivalry" refers to antagonism or hostility between brothers and/or
Sisters, and can appear as arguments, fights, whining, nagging, etc. The root of sibling rivalry can sometimes be competition for parental time, attention, love and approval.   Other times conflict arises because young children are still developing conflict resolution, socialization skills, and language, and have not yet learned how to put these things to work for solving problems.  Helping support sibling relationships is as much about making sure to give both children equal love and attention as it is about helping children recognize, understand, and navigate their differences.

Ways to support your children’s developing sibling relationships:

Utilize all the methods for supporting peer relationships.  At it’s root, a sibling relationship is a peer relationship, just with an extra dynamic.  Find ways to encourage play through activities that involve teamwork and sharing of ideas.  Listen to your children’s frustrations and empathize.

Model Grace and Courtesy.  Give children lessons on how to interact in the home and solve problems.  Remember that how parents treat each other and other family members is modeling for how the children treat each other.

Recognize your own sibling dynamics and the impact on you.  Your role in your own family will impact how you approach your children’s relationship.  If you are first born, second born, etc, it is important to recognize how that experience impacted you.  Exploring your own issues growing up with siblings can help you better understand how and why you are making parenting decisions (for example, are you being harder on your first born because your parents were harder on you as a first born, or are you upset with your first born for hurting your second born because you remember that experience as a second born, or are you an only child who does not understand these relationships because you did not experience them?)

Give children your individual time.  Every child needs special time one on one with each parent and individually with both parents.  Design special “dates” that allow you to spend time with just one child, giving each child a turn.

Remember that fairness and equality are not the same thing.  One of the hardest things for siblings is when they are not treated the same.  Why are the rules for one not the same as the rules for the other?  As adults, we understand that children of different ages and temperaments have different developmental abilities and we cannot always have the same expectations.  Siblings, on the other hand, see themselves as peers and do not properly perceive these differences.  Rather than focus on “equality,” help children understand and accept each other’s differences by talking about them, and explain that decisions are made based on “fairness,” making sure everyone gets what they need when they need it.

Avoid placing parental responsibility on siblings.  It is not uncommon for parents to expect the older child to take care of or watch the younger child.  This, however, can cause some problems in the sibling dynamic by giving one child a dominant role and the other child a submissive role.  Instead, support and encourage your children to look out for each other, rather than placing the responsibility on one child’s shoulders.  Young children, even though older than their sibling, are not yet ready to handle parenting responsibilities.  It can also confuse them and make them “police” their sibling rather than play with their sibling (developing conflict rather than sharing and understanding).

Grace and Courtesy: Modeling Social Behaviors

In the Montessori classroom, Grace and Courtesy lessons are a continuous part of the curriculum.  These lessons encourage the children to become aware and mindful of what they are doing in the classroom.  For example, the child may say "I am closing the door quietly" or "I am walking slowly in the classroom."  We give these lessons by showing children step by step how to handle social behaviors for the first time.  While children learn so much from their environment, have appropriate social behaviors demonstrated makes social learning much more concrete for children.  As adults, we must also remember that children socially echo our own behaviors, so we must always be modeling the things we want children to do at all times.

Everyday kindness and courtesy are vital practical life skills and an important part of social learning.  Lessons in Grace and Courtesy teach everyday social customs, such as how to enter a room, not to disturb another’s work, how to ask if you may join in an activity, how to graciously decline an invitation, table manners, and how to offer an apology.

"We must help the child to act for himself, will for himself, think for himself; this is the art of those who aspire to serve the spirit. It is the [adult]'s joy to welcome the manifestation of the spirit." –Maria Montessori

Examples of Grace and Courtesy Lessons for Children:

Toddler

Eating Habits
• Using a fork and spoon correctly
• Chewing food with mouth closed
• Sitting quietly in chair during a meal

Toilet Training
• How and when to go to the bathroom

Proper Hygiene
• How to wash hands
• How to blow your nose

Manners
• How to say "please" and "thank you"

Primary

Social Skills
• How to greet people
• How to shake hands when greeting someone
• How to resolve conflicts (take turns when talking, express emotions, problem solve together, make amends for hurting/upsetting someone)
• How to help a younger friend/sibling

Proper Hygiene
• How to wash hands
• How to blow your nose

Manners
• How to excuse oneself when walking in front of someone
• How to interrupt when necessary
• How to hand objects to another person, especially sharps objects like scissors and knives
• How to say "please" and "thank you"
• How to clean up a spill
• How to open and close a door quietly
• How to pick up and carry a chair

Elementary

Social Skills
• How to work with another person
• How to resolve conflict (take turns when talking, express emotions, problem solve together, make amends for hurting/upsetting someone)
• How to mediate between friends
• How to help a younger friend/sibling

Manners
• Writing a thank you note
• Speaking politely to friends, family and teachers
• Being kind to others

Environment
• How to care for plants and animals
• Setting up a table for a meal
• How to clean and straighten a classroom or home
• How to serve in the community

Social Development: Making Friends

During the toddler age, friendships develop in a more parallel manner than directly.  Children at this age may be drawn to certain children, but play occurs more “side by side.”  Children at this age are less concerned with who wants to play with them, so much as they want to join in the activity.  For example, you may see a group of older children running around a field.  The toddler, wishing to join, runs around the field along side them.  The older children may pay no attention to the toddler, ignoring his very existence, but the toddler does not notice; the toddler is in parallel play, running along side, and in his mind he is completely part of the action.

As children come to the primary age, approaching three years and onward, they begin to play more directly and become more aware of each other.  Temperament can play a large role in how the child goes about developing relationships.  Some children are bold and charismatic while others are shy and quiet.  Some children have many friends while others nurture one special relationship.  Children are just at the beginning of this process and it can take some children longer to navigate the waters than others.

Ways to support your child’s development of peer relationships:

Offer opportunities for play and socializing.  Some ideas include: having friends over for play dates or lunch, participating in a carpool, group activities (such as art, drama, dance, music, or sports).

Give children unstructured play time.

Include your child when talking to people out of his normal range of peers. Take him to visit a neighbor, or bring him along to the dry cleaner.  The more exposure he has interacting with all kinds of people, the more he will learn to do the same.

Provide Grace and Courtesy lessons on how to approach a friend, join in play, or start a conversation.  These lessons can happen in the family and then your child can try them out on the playground.  Show your child how to be a good friend and make friends. The best way is to model the behavior you would like to see.

Provide emotional support to your child by listening to her stories about peers.  Try to develop relationships with her friend’s parents.

If your child has a hard time making friends, empathize with your child, but keep it in perspective. Making friends is a lifelong process and will of course have its ups and downs.  Be confident in your child and never share or show any anxiety you may feel about your child’s social relationships.

Help your child realize his own strengths.

Have a sense of humor about yourself and your shortcomings.

Listen to your child without criticism.

Model: be kind, give compliments, wave to friends, open the door for someone.

Be understanding of what others are going through by showing empathy.

Supporting Social Development in Primary Children

When we discuss the development of children, we must first look at the child’s plane of development. Dr. Montessori coined this phrase when she saw that children of particular ages shared certain focus, direction, and tendencies, emotionally, socially, intellectually and morally.  She observed three major shifts in children’s thinking as they aged and was able to identify three planes of development from birth to adolescence.

The First Plane of Development

Characteristically, children from birth to age six, roughly, fall into the first plane of development.  Considering that intelligence is what distinguishes the human species, the most important act of human development becomes the creation of intelligence and the creation of self.  In these first years, children develop their own unique intelligence and understanding of self.  Through an exchange between environment and a child’s tendencies, the child explores, learns to reason, learns to imagine, and learns to create.  Here, we find the formation of the personality.  The first six years of life are marked by tremendous physical and psychological growth, exploration and development. This is the period of infancy, an unconscious period of development.  Physically, the body develops from head to toe.  Children at this age are concrete thinkers.  Emotionally, he/she needs love and acceptance, respect and understanding, warmth and protection. The child also has a need for security, order, as much freedom and independence as he/she can handle, and social relationships.  At this point, children are laying the foundational blocks for later development.

Ages Three to Six Years (the conscious absorbent mind)

If children have learned to trust, by three years of age they will be able to confidently employ all their previously developed skills and move out into the world.  While children in the first stage of this plane learned unconsciously, absorbing everything around them, children now can direct their efforts more consciously.  Still, children have yet to develop a strong sense of will (the ability to control the body’s emotions and actions), so their conscious efforts may be more impulsive or emotional.

At this age, children now begin to need the social environment of other children, whereas previously they mostly need their primary caregivers.  However, during this stage, children tend to work side to side, rather than together.  Parallel play (playing alongside) may still be apparent at the beginning of this stage as children learn to navigate social interactions.  As children develop during this stage they begin to engage more directly with each other.  While children desire socialization, they still do not have the learned skills of managing socialization: conflict resolution, empathy and understanding, or general social propriety/graces.  These things continue to develop during this stage, and guidance from the adult is essential during this process.  

As children begin to develop empathy and the understanding of other children’s emotions, children begin to assist each other, share materials, and work together.  According to Montessori, society goes through an embryonic phase  (Montessori, Absorbent Mind, p. 232) in the period from three to six.  This can be observed in the children when “little by little, they become aware of forming a community, which behaves as such. They begin to feel a part of a group to which their activity contributes. They begin to take an interest in this community and work on it profoundly ” (Montessori, Discovery of the child, p.15).  Once they have reached this level, the children no longer act thoughtlessly but put the group first and try to succeed for its benefit.  Children during this stage are now able to understand differences between themselves and others, understanding that another child may need more assistance or is experiencing a different emotion.  Awareness of differences and the acceptance of them allows the child to develop a respect for all people, as well as themselves.

How to support the three to six year old’s social development:

Support and demonstrate conflict resolution.  Children at this age are just learning to understand how to solve problems, deal with emotions, and understand each other.  They may not yet have the language for talking things out or know how to make it happen.  Rather than solve the child’s problem, support the children’s ability to solve it.  Give them turns to speak, asking them specifically and non-judgmentally: “what happened?”  Give each child a turn to express what happened.  Ask: “how can we solve this?” or “how can we make this better?” and let the children offer up ideas.  In the Montessori classroom, we have a peace table where children can pass an object back and forth to signify their turn to talk and talk things out.  Children can often resolve a problem on their own when given the ability to have a back and forth discussion.

Model grace and courtesy.  Demonstrate the social courtesies of life, such as how to greet a person, how to say “please” and “thank you,” how to cover your mouth when you sneeze or blow your nose, how to shake hands, how to hand something to someone safely, how to interrupt when necessary, etc.

Support empathy by talking about the emotions of your child, self, and others.  Talk about what people are feeling and ways to make them feel better.

Do not force children to say “sorry.”  Instead, emphasize how they have made a person feel and ask them to think of ways to make reparations for their actions.  Model the word “sorry” by using it yourself when you are making a reparations, and talk about what you mean when you say the word sorry (“I feel badly and want to make it better”).

Give children language for dealing with the problem, should it arise again (“if David takes your toy, tell him “no!”).

Stay out of conflicts if they are resolving without violence.  Sometimes children can navigate social conflicts and need to be left alone to do so.  Take a step back and see if they are working it out or moving on from it before deciding if you need to intervene.

Direct children to find you if they cannot solve the problem on their own.

Supporting Social Development in Toddlers

When we discuss the development of children, we must first look at the child’s plane of development. Dr. Montessori coined this phrase when she saw that children of particular ages shared certain focus, direction, and tendencies, emotionally, socially, intellectually and morally.  She observed three major shifts in children’s thinking as they aged and was able to identify three planes of development from birth to adolescence.

The First Plane of Development

Characteristically, children from birth to age six, roughly, fall into the first plane of development.  Considering that intelligence is what distinguishes the human species, the most important act of human development becomes the creation of intelligence and the creation of self.  In these first years, children develop their own unique intelligence and understanding of self.  Through an exchange between environment and a child’s tendencies, the child explores, learns to reason, learns to imagine, and learns to create.  Here, we find the formation of the personality.  The first six years of life are marked by tremendous physical and psychological growth, exploration and development. This is the period of infancy, an unconscious period of development.  Physically, the body develops from head to toe.  Children at this age are concrete thinkers.  Emotionally, he/she needs love and acceptance, respect and understanding, warmth and protection. The child also has a need for security, order, as much freedom and independence as he/she can handle, and social relationships.  At this point, children are laying the foundational blocks for later development.

The First Three Years (the unconscious absorbent mind)

From the moment of birth, the infant ’s first “work” is that of personality formation or individuation. The personality is developed only by means of social relationships and experiences. Individuation takes place within a social context and is the first step toward social development.  The baby’s first social environment is the mother (or some primary care giver).  Maternal care is absolutely necessary not only for the child to survive physically but also to provide the mother-infant bond, which contains within it the possibility of all future social life.  A positive relationship with the primary care giver gives the child the ability to develop trust and secure attachment.  Infants are born with drives that urge them to relate to others and designed so that others can relate to them.  The first impulses to root and suck, to grasp and smile, to gaze and cuddle in the mother’s arms, are precisely those needed to establish and maintain closeness.

As children become toddlers, social development is mostly focused on the relationship with primary care givers and may extend to other caregivers.  Children at this age may notice other children, begin to engage with strangers (say hello), but it is usually from the security of their primary care base.  Social learning is focused on the environment.  Here is the information needed for the acquisition of spoken language, modes of behavior, and patterns of the culture. Customs, social attitudes and values, cultural habits, and ethnic idiosyncrasies all act to form the shape of the evolving personality. In the period of infancy, the mind takes in such impressions “like a sponge” (Montessori, Reconstruction, p.11).

While children are learning about the environment, they are still focused on themselves and their own experiences.  Children at this age are only at the beginning of the development of empathy and can rarely think outside the self.  They learn about emotions in context of their own emotions.  Children at this stage do not often share naturally (and may not be able to share) or consider the group as a whole.  They are focused solely on themselves and comfort from caregivers.  They interact with each other out of fascination and interest, but rarely evolve beyond parallel play (working along side each other rather than together).  As some children get closer to three, we begin to see the seeds of empathy and more interactive play.

Children at this age do not have a concrete understanding of morality.  For most, the seeds have been laid, and they have an inherent sense of right/wrong and justice, but they have no conscious understanding of this or how to apply it.  Everyone knows young children are innocent, naïve, and gullible: Small children, Montessori said, will accept and believe anything (Discovery of the Child, p. 298).  They blindly understand a behavior as “naughty” if it causes them to be scolded or punished. They have no moral conscience in the sense of being able to distinguish between good and evil. Nor do they have interest in such issues because they are “too immature” (298) to “understand or assimilate ” abstract notions such as “right” and “wrong.”  But, if the environment is warm and safe, however, and if adults deal “sweetly and kindly ” with them (Montessori, Discovery of the Child, p. 298), even the tiniest babies can develop a feeling for what is good.  They may begin to understand what is right and wrong as it is demonstrated to them, but they may not yet understand how to deal a situation in which another is “wrong.”  For example, most toddlers know that having something taken from them is wrong, but they do not know how to handle it appropriately (instead, either hitting in response or bursting into tears).  Appropriate responses will be learned through adult guidance and be available to the children once they have gained control over their bodies.

How to support the toddler’s social development:

Do not force sharing.  Rather, prepare the environment so that every object has a specific place.  Direct children to return objects to their places and let the other child know they may use that object once it has been returned.

Provide children with opportunities to socialize, but be understanding of their desire to remain closer to their caregiver.

Engage yourself in a play-oriented activity, modeling play for a group or pair of children.

Model grace and courtesy.  Demonstrate the social courtesies of life, such as how to greet a person, how to say “please” and “thank you,” how to cover your mouth when you sneeze or blow your nose, etc.

Give children emotional vocabulary.  Talk about your child’s emotions or your own emotions when experiencing them.  Point out other children’s emotions when you see them (“that child feels sad, he is crying;” “that child is happy, he is laughing,” etc.).

Encourage conflict resolution through demonstration.  Children at this age have limited vocabulary, so they cannot talk things out.  Instead, outline their emotions for them so that they can understand what took place (“Johnny is sad because you took his toy, he would be happy if you gave it back;”  “David was excited and took your toy, but that made you sad, would you like to ask him to give it back?”)

Give children language for dealing with the problem, should it arise again (“if David takes your toy, tell him “no!”).

Stay out of conflicts if they are resolving without violence.  Sometimes children can navigate social conflicts and need to be left alone to do so.  Take a step back and see if they are working it out or moving on from it before deciding if you need to intervene.

Positive Discipline: Natural and Logical Consequences

When raising children, the necessity of providing for, loving, and keeping children safe is always coupled with the necessity of modeling and teaching character, self-control, and acceptable behavior. Discipline is what helps children construct themselves into conscientious citizens of the world.  Positive and effective discipline is based on the concept of consequence.  A consequence is the negative or positive outcome of a person’s actions.  Consequences naturally drive human behavior because humans will always strive for positive outcomes.  Just as adults do, children prefer outcomes that work for them.   By pointing out or creating consequences, we can persuade children to choose appropriate behaviors.

There are two types of consequences: natural and logical.  A natural consequence is one that occurs naturally in life for all people.  The natural consequence to not putting your coat on is that you will be cold outside.  The natural consequence to dropping something is that it will break.  The natural consequence to watering a plant is that it will grow and live.  Children begin to examine the relationship between cause and effect from birth.  For example, a baby dropping something on the floor may learn that when he lets go of a toy, it falls.  Using a natural consequence to modify behavior can be achieved by pointing out the natural consequence to your child and what will prevent it.  If he drops something, point out the action which would prevent the item being dropped without judgment and maintaining a calm voice; e.g. “you need to hold the glass with two hands or it will fall.”  The consequence has already achieved the lesson, and all you need to do is help your child see the relationship between his action and the outcome.  The most important (and most difficult) thing to remember of discipline through natural consequences is that, as a parent, you must allow the natural consequence to happen.  For example, if you catch the glass before it hits the ground, your child will not really see the glass drop and will not understand that he needs to control his body to prevent things from breaking.  The same is true if your child refuses to put his coat on.  The natural consequence is that he will be cold outside.  However, if you give him your jacket, there is no natural consequence.  Letting your children learn cause and effect is an important part of teaching them self control and how to make good choices.

On the other hand, not all actions can be allowed to reach their natural consequence, some actions do not have a consequence that is immediately obvious, and some actions don’t even have a natural consequence.  For example, if your child runs out in the street, the natural consequence is that he or she would get hit by a car.  Obviously, this is a consequence to prevent.  You may first try to explain to your child the rule of not running into the street and let them be aware of what the natural consequence would be.  Some children are able to follow rules without learning from the experience.  Not all children have this temperament, though.  If your child breaks the rule, then you must create a logical consequence: “if you run out into the street then you must go back inside,” or “If you run into the street you must always hold my hand near the street and cannot be on your own.”  Point out the reason for the consequence; your child is being unsafe and it is unacceptable to be unsafe.  It is important to tie a consequence back to the behavior you are trying to achieve (safety, in this circumstance).

Logical consequences refer to consequences that are made by another person and do not occur naturally from the action.  This does not mean punishment.  Instead it creates a negative outcome related to the action.  The use of logical consequences is aimed at creating discipline by influencing your child’s actions.  The goal of discipline and parenting is to create confidence and teach our children life skills.  Experience is an important part of this process, children need to make mistakes and learn from them.  Logical consequences allow us to design outcomes that show children that some behaviors are unacceptable or inappropriate when the natural consequence is not obvious or cannot be allowed.

When designing logical consequences:

FOCUS ON THE BEHAVIOR YOU WANT, NOT THE BEHAVIOR YOU SAW.  We are not punishing the current behavior but trying to create a behavior.  Always have alternative behaviors in mind with which you are asking your child to replace the behavior you have deemed “unacceptable;” e.g. you want your child to walk not run, you want your child to use their words or get you instead of hit, or you want your child to use a quiet voice instead of scream.

THINK OPPORTUNITY, RESPONSIBILITY, CONSEQUENCE.  If a child has an opportunity and is not responsible with it, then the consequence is to lose the opportunity.  For example, if your child has the opportunity to play with his toys and refuses to put them away, then you may create a consequence related to the toys.  Perhaps you decide that your child cannot play with their toys for the rest of the day, or that they cannot do anything else until they comply with the appropriate behavior.  Keep in mind that you want to set it up so that children can earn the responsibility back, they can try again later or they can earn it back by showing responsibility with another task you assign them.

DESIGN CONSEQUENCES THAT YOU CAN FOLLOW THROUGH WITH.  Do not make empty threats or fail to follow through with your stated consequence or your child will not feel the consequence.  Not all consequences are easy to follow through on, so only choose ones that you know you can actually make happen.  Children listen more quickly to adults they know will follow through with a consequence, meaning adults who ALWAYS follow through.  If they know you mean what you say and you will do it, they will listen.

THINK ABOUT THE PROBLEM.  Designing consequences is not so much about the consequence as it is about finding a solution.  Children often make behavioral mistakes because they are unaware of the alternatives.  We need to think about how to make them aware of these alternatives and that the alternative is a better choice for everyone.  For example, if your child hits, it is likely that they do not have the language to deal with a problem that is presented.  Children may hit because another child took something away, because they are angry, or because they simply wanted another child to move out of their space.  Often times if we help children identify the problem with us and give them the language to use (“please move,” “this is my space,” “I didn’t like that you did that,” “give that back to me”), we help our children gain confidence and problem solving skills.  Tell your child that from now on, in that situation, they need to come find you if their words don’t work.  Let them know that the consequence for solving a problem with hitting is that they may be removed from the play area or they must play next to an adult (limit the freedom of their play) because no one is allowed to be unsafe.

CONSIDER THE ENVIRONMENT.  If your child has a hard time following through with something, consider the environment around him and what may need to be changed.  If he consistently doesn’t want to brush his teeth, why?  If he can’t avoid the road in the front yard, should he be playing somewhere else?  Is his bed time too early or too late?  Does your child need a more consistent routine?   Think of ways to prevent conflict from happening and then consequences may be unneccesary.

INVOLVE YOUR CHILD.  Having children help you design the consequence helps them with problem solving skills and gives them a greater understanding of their behaviors.  Children are also much more likely to follow through with consequences they themselves design.  When involving children, present the behavior that is unacceptable and ask them what they think the consequence should be.

For example: Your child is running in the house.

If you run in the house, what problems might happen? (child may respond: I will knock something over and it breaks or I will fall)

What do you think we can do so those problems don’t happen? (child may respond: walk in the house, run outside)

What do you think should happen if you choose not to walk in the house? (some options: I have to sit down until I am ready to stop running or I must play in the basement or my room. If they cannot think of one, give them a choice between a few consequences that you have thought up).

Remember, your child does not always have to have a choice.  Some behaviors are so inappropriate that the consequence needs to be more immediate, such as running into the street or hitting.  However, if you are finding your child ignoring the rule you have made despite consequences, involving them may be the best way to get them to understand.

THINK AHEAD.  If you know that you and your child are about to enter a situation that he or she might misbehave during, point out what behaviors you expect to see ahead of time.  Children need reminders of what behavior is expected.  Help them think about the rules before they even have a chance to break them.  This is another chance to involve them, ask them to think of the rules and tell you what they are.  Remember to be willing to follow through on the consequence you assign once they break the rules.  For example, if you and your child go to the store and the consequence for breaking the rules is to leave the store, be willing to leave no matter what, even if you already have your cart full.

BE EMPATHETIC.  Children do not need to feel bad during consequences.  Expressing that you understand your child is sad and showing them that you understand the consequence is hard can help them make the connection between cause and effect without making them feel bad about themselves.  This does not mean stop the consequence, however.  If your child is sitting separately to calm themselves down, give him a glass of water.  If your child has lost the opportunity to play with his toys for the rest of the day, help him find something else to do.  We want children to understand that unacceptable behaviors have hard consequences, but we have faith in them that they can learn to make better choices.

THIS IS NOT PUNISHMENT.  Punishment is about power and authority, consequence is about social order and making appropriate choices for society.  Punishment is not related to the situation, while logical consequences outline cause and effect related to the behavior.  Punishment is judgmental, logical consequences do not imply bad or good but simply what is acceptable and what is not.  Punishment focuses on the past behavior, logical consequences focus on the future desired behavior.  Punishment is threatening and angry, logical consequences are about parents teaching their children appropriate behavior.  Punishment is about obedience, logical consequences are about choices.  Anger, warnings, threats, and reminders can turn a consequence into punishment.  Instead, remind children of acceptable behaviors, and design reasonable consequences if they choose unacceptable behaviors.

KEEP YOUR OWN FRUSTRATION LEVEL DOWN.  If you cannot think of a consequence, slow down or stop any reacting.  If you can’t come up with anything, say nothing.  Sometimes merely removing your child from the situation or taking their hand in immediate situations can give you enough time to think it through, often times removal is a consequence.  If you stop the behavior physically (but gently) this time, you can take your time thinking of a consequence for next time, or you can work with your child to design one.  This is particularly helpful if your child is throwing a tantrum, sometimes just getting up and going and giving both of you time to calm down will make the situation clearer.  Don’t feel bad about yourself as a parent, these skills are learned and do not come naturally.  Take your time with it.