Fiore Conversations: Role-Playing To Resolve Frustrations

Another wonderful session (about separation anxiety and the secret of childhood) led us to the helpful idea of role-play.  As we discussed in last week's session, children often have a hard time communicating what they are experiencing.  Communication can be a challenge and create a puzzle to understanding exactly what may be upsetting a child.  How we approach the child and the questions we use can also affect our ability to ascertain what is troubling the child.  But, eventually, if we let the child express himself without directing it, we can reach the child and discover what particular aspect of his day or life is causing frustration.

It could be something like another child taking a toy, or maybe not liking the snack served, or perhaps a misunderstanding between friends.  Anything can cause frustration when a child does not have the conflict resolution skills or social development to understand how to resolve or process the problem (especially one never encountered before).  So, once we know what the problem is, we then have to figure out how to help the child resolve the problem.  And the most important part of that last sentence is: the child.

When our little ones are born, we do everything for them.  Stepping that continuous assistance back is difficult, but it's important to the process of helping the child learn to problem-solve.  Because, there will always be a day when we aren't there to step in.  If we don't help the child develop the social skills to resolve the problem, the child will be helpless during that moment we are not there.  So, the frustration and the problem becomes the teachable moment.

Role Playing is one of the greatest tools you have for helping your child learn to resolve conflicts (of any sort).  If you don't know what the conflict is, you can role-play or pretend play with your child by letting him take the lead.  Perhaps he could pretend to be the teacher and you are a child in the class, or let him be whoever he likes.  Ask the child what you should do and let them direct the play.  See if the play leads to understanding what a conflict might be.

Once or if you know what the conflict is, then you can set up a role-play to demonstrate the possible responses.  Simply talking about what a child can do can be helpful but it's not nearly as effective as when a child sees something acted out.  You can enlist older siblings or other family members to help or you can role-play directly with your child.  The key is to act out the conflict your child has experienced and then demonstrate the appropriate response (or responses) your child could have.

For example, let's use the scenario of a child being upset that another child has taken his toy.  Two adults (or older children) can pretend to act out the scenario:

Adult 1 takes toy from Adult 2 and begins to play with it.  

Adult 2 shows a sad and frustrated face and exclaims: I am so angry, he/she took my toy!  (looking at the child)  What can I do??

See if the child has any ideas, and if not, show what you might do.

Adult 2 taps on Adult 1's shoulder and says: I was playing with that, you need to give that back to me.  Can I help you find something else to play with?

Adult 2 gives the toy back or does something else...

The scenarios can continue like that.  Show the child different examples of how the other person might react and how to handle it.  Let's say Adult 1 gets mad and refuses, then Adult 2 can show the child how to resolve that situation (get a teacher or bring another object to entertain the child, for example).  Adult 2 might even say "that's okay, you can have that, I can find something else."  That's okay, too.  Then give your child a chance to play Adult 2's role.  Have Adult 1 take the toy and see what your child chooses to do.  Older children will be particularly understand of this as they often run into much more complex social situations.  They will probably be much more participatory in giving ideas or possibilities.

The idea is that we empower children to know what to do in a scenario they have not encountered before.  Encourage your child by letting them know that you can "play" anything with them to help them learn what to do and work out problems.  They'll love it, because, you're not just helping them solve problems, your playing with them, too.  Remember, though, learning these skills takes time and repetition.  Children have to continually practice these skills before they become engrained.  But even if the frustration is not immediately gone, the start of empowerment has very much begun.

Fiore Conversations: Language Development Affects Communication

Our first Conversation at Fiore went wonderfully!  We attempted to video tape it so that we could share the video with you all, but unfortunately it did not work this week (user error!).  Next week, we will certainly work towards taping the session.

During the session, we discussed many of the topics that we have been blogging over the past week including: the secret of childhood, coping with separation anxiety, the transitioning child, and a child's happiness.  We also shared an excellent article on the relationship between loving our children and letting our children grow and become independent:

http://www.amiusa.org/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/amiusa-the-greatest-love.pdf

However, one of the most interesting topics that came out of the session was on the subject of the child's communication abilities and it's relationship to how we interpret their feelings about separation and school.  We discussed that each child has his own unique way of communicating; some children may feel the same feelings of a crying child but not communicate it in that matter.  Crying can often mean “I would much rather stay with you” but cannot be voiced more than it means that the child is not having good experiences at school.  As parents, it can be difficult to interpret a child's emotions or experiences when the child does not have the complex language for sharing their feelings.  Being sensitive to the child's language development and understanding its simplicity can help us remember that the child may not be able to share his emotions in any manner other than crying.  Equally important, helping them develop language for their experiences will help them communicate in the future.  How we communicate with children will affect how they develop the communication for their emotions as well as understand transitions.

One example that we used to demonstrate a difference in the child's developmental understanding of language was the concept of time.  A child’s grasp and understanding of time is not the same as an adult’s.  “3:30” is a not yet a concrete concept to them.  Knowing this, it can help to use concrete positioning words such as, “after, before” and describe a particular event.  For example, if one were to tell a child, “I will come to pick you up after naptime,” the child can grasp this concept, anticipate the event, and can trust (after a couple of times to reassure them) that routine.

Along the same lines is the general concept of planning.  At the earliest of ages, some children may not understand a plan until it becomes a routine (so explaining the plan may not help until that plan has been repeated many times and become a routine).  Children are most comfortable when they have routine.  Still, verbally communicating and giving them expectations is a good way to help them anticipate transitions until the routine allows them to naturally anticipate.  This can mean reminding them verbally of what the plan for the day is, as well as making sure that you remain consistent with the established routine.

When trying to understand a child's emotions and asking them to communicate with you, it is important to remember to engage children with non-leading questions.  Often times, unforeseen by the person asking the questions, the answer can be directed rather than emenating from the child.  Therefore, it is always important to remember to ask objective questions.  If directed towards a specific idea that the adult has in mind, the children will respond with what the adult thinks, and different results from the truth can occur.  Such as, the question “are you bored?”  The child most often times is not bored (tired of the world and depleted of energy) but perhaps cannot decide what to do.  Still, the child understands that if they answer “yes,” a favorable result occurs (someone finds the child something to do).  They also begin to internalize that looking for something to do means "bored" and continue to communicate in that manner.  The same thing can happen with the question "do you not like school?"  Children can sense our anxiety related to the question and they can assume those are the words that will help them avoid school or achieve something else.  The reality could be not that they dislike school but at the moment they feel they would rather be close to a parent, or they have something at home they would really like to do.  By phrasing the question this way, we have given the child language that may not accurately represent the picture.  We must be careful with the words we give our children to communicate so that they can properly express what they are really feeling.  We must also be careful to avoid giving our children words that do not accurately express their real experience.

Another topic that follows non-leading questions is the idea of being careful with what children say/do.  Often times, children do not know exactly what the cause of why they feel the way they feel.  For example, during our conversation, Anjali told the story about a child whose mother was concerned when the child had told her, “I don’t want to go to school because I don’t have any friends.”  In reality, the child was loved by all at the school and the reason he felt that way was because his classmates would not do what he wanted when playing with him.  His internalization of the situation was not accurate (although very real to him) and so his communication represented something other than the real picture.  What he needed was help learning conflict resolution with his friends, which parent and teacher were able to discover together by asking questions objectively.  This example proves the importance of asking many questions (speaking with the child as well as engaging the help of his teacher) to get a full-picture of the situation for solving a communication puzzle.  Another example provided, was when a parent knew her child was having a wonderful time when she left but when the parent returned, the child burst into tears; that experience confused the parent.   We discussed that the child's reaction was an expression of emotion and the child had no other way of communicating “I missed you and wish you had not left” even though she did have a wonderful time.

One parent gave an insightful example of how to bridge the communication gap.  Printing emotional charts and explaining to the child what the emotion is (while giving language for it) and using it in an example as a way for the child to better express his/herself when the situation is unclear. This is helpful for painting a picture of what the child is experiencing when the parent has no idea what the cause of reactions are.  It gives children the opportunity to learn language that will help them accurately express themselves.

When children were babies, parents had to interpret their cries.  Now we have to interpret their understanding of language (and lack of language) and help support their ability to express themselves.  At Fiore, we always give children the language for what they are experiencing, even if all they have are tears ("I understand you miss mommy," "I can see that you feel sad right now").  We remain at their sides through the hardest of transitions and know that validating the expression of their emotions is one of the most important parts of the transition process.