Many of us were raised under the notion that parents have full authority by right (the old "do what I say because I said it" philosophy). However, as laws and views on child rearing change, it becomes more apparent that this authority should be based on good intentions with a child’s best interests in mind. The concept shifts from unwielding authority to authoritative guidance. A child has no idea what his or her best interests are, as they have little understanding of the world. Inherently, both parent and child know that the parent, the owner of the information and abilities in navigating the world, is the only one with the ability to properly guide actions. But, equally important to the child is that as the child gains access to this knowledge, authority begins to transfer over time, trickling down slowly, such that children have more say over their actions and eventually become adults who hold their own authority.
The important thing to note here is that children WANT parental authority as much as they need it. In a world where they do not know what is safe or unsafe, possible or impossible, children need to know what the limitations are (and what they aren't). They need to know where the boundaries are drawn. Clear and consistent limitations create these boundaries. As children grow older and become more competent, those boundary lines need to move further out, giving children more choices and more opportunities to gain knowledge and personal authority. But always, they still need to know where existing boundaries lie. Here are a few guidelines on creating limitations to outline which actions or decisions are acceptable for your child and which actions or decisions are not acceptable.
AUTHORITY SHOULD BE POSITIVE. It is important to remember that authority does not imply authoritarian. We are not looking for blind compliance. Limitations should be set with confidence: confidence that your child can be successful and confidence in knowing what is best for your child. Feel free to make your child aware of your reasons (without lecturing). For example, it is okay to say, “you need to brush your teeth or they will be damaged and hurt.” Or, “it is important for our bodies to sleep and children need more sleep than grown-ups.” Explanations should not sound like reasoning, however. They should remain simple and matter of fact.
BE SPECIFIC AND DON’T ARGUE. Your child should know exactly what behavior is acceptable and what behavior is not acceptable. Phrases like “stop it,” “stop misbehaving,” “behave,” and “you know better” fail to outline a limitation and, instead, sound more like frustrated nagging and confusing directions. The concept of behaving is very broad and abstract to a child, and specific instructions like “use a quiet voice” or “walk with slow feet” are much easier for children to follow. With extremely young children, it can help to break down actions for them. For example, if your child has a habit of walking away when you are trying to address them, ask him or her to “stop, freeze, don’t move.” Then give the command “please walk back to me.” Follow that up with the command of “please listen.” Do not argue or negotiate things that a child may not change; some behaviors are simply unacceptable and not negotiable.
CHOICES ARE IMPORTANT. Children are compelled to develop their own will (self-control) and interests. The slow transfer of authority comes in the granting of choices, giving the child what Montessori called “freedom within limits.” This controlled freedom satisfies both parties’ needs in the power struggle for self governance. For example, if your child doesn't have a choice in taking a bath, he might have a choice on which bathroom, what toys he uses, or which order in which he washes his body. If your child does not have a choice in going to bed, she might have a choice over what she sleeps in, what she sleeps with, or which blanket she wants. If your child doesn’t have a choice about getting dressed, he might have a choice over what he wears. Make sure choices aren't overwhelming by only giving two or three options for children to choose from. The younger the child, the fewer the choices (or they may get confused or frustrated).
A TRICK FROM THE CLASSROOM. One of the best tools is the simple phrase, “you can either do it yourself or I can come over there and help you do it.” This phrase, used with a firm tone, suggests that you will allow your child to make the choice and come on his own, but if not, you will come over to her and help her come to you (or help your child do what needs to be done). More often then not, children want to do things themselves and they will make that choice. If you end up assisting, then the child understands that you mean what you say and you are consistent. And, sometimes, children just needs assistance. They might be more willing to follow through on an action (like cleaning something up) if they are offered some help.
YOUR TONE MATTERS. If you give a direction that has a question mark on the end of it…it will not set a limitation. If your tone is weak, you may sound as though you do not mean what you say and your child may not know if you mean it. If your tone is angry, your child will become frightened and not understand your intentions. Your tone should be firm but calm: you will not be changing your mind, but it is with good reason.
OFFER ALTERNATIVES. While you have made a limitation, and that limitation may make your child sad, feel free to come up with an idea that will make both of you happy. Alternatives are a great way to avoid power struggles, and make you and your child feel like you are on the same team. Perhaps your child may not have dessert before dinner, but you could both think together about what you would like after dinner. Perhaps your child cannot watch television, but you can think of games to play or go for a walk outside. If you find your child doing something they should not be doing, set the limitation, but then help them think of things they can be doing.
BE CALM. Anger is the adult's worst enemy. It can make reactions more harsh than necessary, scare scare your child, and make your child treat others with anger. Step back and take a moment to breathe. Act rationally and only once you are calm (it's okay to walk away until you have calmed down, or ask another adult to handle the situation if need be). Rather than saying something hurtful or in frustration, you can then compose your words more positively, like “what happened?” "is that allowed?" or “what should we do now?”
BE CONSISTENT. When you set a limitation, it must always be the same. If it changes from day to day, or by situation, then it does not exist in the child's mind and confuses them. Children push limitations that are not consistent because they become uncertain that they are there.
SET REASONABLE AND AGE-APPROPRIATE LIMITS. Let children do things they are capable of, and afford them the ability to make mistakes. At the same time, consider what your child is capable of. For example, if your child has a hard time sitting still, expecting them to do so or be quiet for an extended period of time may be impossible. Likewise, forbidding your child to have an accident or insisting they finish all the food on their plate may be asking them to do more than they are capable of. If you can tell that they are likely to fail at the behavior, then you need to change your expectations and your approach.
DISAPPROVE OF THE BEHAVIOR NOT THE CHILD. Let your child know that you believe that they can follow through. Make your child aware of the limits beforehand (particularly in a situation you know that rules are likely to be broken) to help them remember (tell them you are reminding them to help them be successful). Making a child aware of a limitation does not mean that we have to make them feel bad about breaking a rule; we can still make them aware that we understand that they are still learning while still setting the limitation.
CHANGE LIMITS AS YOUR CHILD GROWS. Allow your child more freedom and opportunities as they age and show that they can be successful.
CATCH YOUR CHILD DOING IT RIGHT. Point out when your child follows the rules and tell them that they should be proud of themselves and you knew they could do it!
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